Bittersweet

So last night I received a phone call with news that could be the best news or the saddest news in the last three years pending on the decision that's going to be made.

I went to bed with a very heavy heart knowing that the possibility of the outcome. It's the outcome that would probably make me really sad. I lay in bed questioning God why did you allow that phone call to come through and get me all excited thinking that my prayers have been answered only to realize the reality that the excitement can be soon extinguished by sadness. And as I lay, I began to cry out to God, it was pretty heart wrenching to a certain extent because I wasn't able to pour out my soul to Babe because he's away on a mission trip which I'm incredibly proud of. But that's another story altogether.

And as I pour out my soul, I heard God speak in a small and gentle voice. He told me to trust and have faith in Him. And yet again, it's really hard. I'm not going to deny that it's easy to have trust and faith in Him at this point. My life to a certain extent is in an upheaval. I'm beginning to feel that my faith in Him is really stretched at this point of time and I wonder how much more will before it snaps. Then again, I heard God speak, 'Child, I love you too much for your faith to snap.' And that's when I paused, ironically, my name is Faith, so Faith can't have her faith snap right? I remember having a meal with a really close sister in Christ telling her that I feel that I've gone through so much that I have enough faith in God that no matter whatever that happens, I know that God would have my back. But in my despair last night, I asked God why? Why all these things and emotions? Have I not trusted you enough?

To a large extent, I just want a normal life. A non complicated happy life that's not stretched so much and I don't want to have many lows. In other words, I want a non eventful, normal life. But I realized that that not what God want for me. He wants me to experience the lows so that I know what's a high. He wants me to experience discomfort so that I can be a blessing to people who are going what I've been through. He wants to stretch my faith so that I can grow and rely on Him more. But all these makes me tired and weary. And that's again when I realized that God wants me to rest in Him. He wants to show me that He can move the mountains and even if the decision is going to be a sad and painful one, His love would be sufficient for me. I need to know and understand that.

So tonight as I sleep, I know, this too will pass. And after this passes, my faith will have grown and I'll be a stronger person because I know that God will be watching over me. Please pray for the decision to be made. Pray for God's will and not my will. This is always the difficult bit. I need to remember, it's God over me.

Entering into a New Season

I just turned a day older. How do I feel? Honestly, I've got mixed feelings. Well, probably I've mentioned many times, I don't like the process of aging at all. I detest it to the point that I wouldn't be even able to describe it! But on the other hand, I'm learning to be really grateful.

Actually, I am beyond grateful, blessed and humbled. Yes, that's what I am. I'm truly grateful, blessed and humbled when I look at my life. I married my best friend. Coming this November, it would be our 11th wedding anniversary and adding on 10 years of dating prior to that, I've known Babe for more than my life time. There's nothing that I want to change about Babe! Every morning when I wake up next to him. I can't believe that God has given Babe to me!

I've got the most beautiful, lovable, adorable and the best son in the entire world. Every morning, I can hear him playing, being ever cheerful and bouncing into our room to give us morning kisses. On nights when we come home late, he'll try his best to wait up for us. He's always thinking about us. I remember once on a flight with Baba (it was just him and me), the flight attendants were serving drinks and I only got one to give him and nothing for myself. Immediately, he raised his little hand to ask for a drink for me. He was probably only 2 and half at that time. My heart melted when he did that.

I've got the most supportive family that one could ever ask for. My family is always there for us. Regardless whatever it may be, they'll always be there to lend a helping hand. Mum flew over when Baba first arrived. Jacqui flew over twice to help and once she flew over so that Babe and I could go on a short trip by ourselves. Joanne never fails to pick us up at the airport and whenever I head back and if I need her car, she'll not hesitate to lend it to me.

Friends, I've been very blessed with friends near and far. I know if something does happen to Babe and me, Baba will be in very good hands because his godparents will never hesitate to step into our shoes to raise him the best that they can. I'm so grateful that in HK, God has given us friends that are family. Recently, I've seen how God has used this family in HK to rally around the family and be supportive of us, love us and just be there for us. So very grateful.

So what else can I ask for? Nothing! God has blessed me so much and the reality is that there's nothing that I want. In my last few blogposts, I know I did sound a little depress. But I'm so glad that God lifted me out and showed me the wonderful things that He's been working around me. And when I pause and reflect upon God's goodness, I can't help but to be so grateful of how much he has given me. If you ask me twenty years ago, would I envision that my life would be the way it is now, I'll probably say no. And if you ask me ten years ago, and the answer is still no. I would never envisioned how much I've been blessed now. God has given me above and beyond whatever I've ever dreamt of materially, spiritually and emotionally. I've gotten know God at a deeper level. Babe and I have a much stronger marriage. So what can I ask for? I honestly, don't know.

Our family is in the waiting to enter a new season. The next few months may be hazy and foggy and at times, we may not even see what's just one meter ahead, but we know very well that God will be leading the family along. In the last month, He has consistently showed me signs of how He has carried the family through or signs of how He's going to bless us. God has never failed us even in our deepest and darkest moments in our lives, so why would He fail us now? All we need is to cast all our cares and burdens upon Him.

In short, we are totally excited to enter into this new season but while we are waiting, God is going to make us stronger. And I like the waiting!

Dear Heavenly Father,

I just want to say THANK YOU!

Light at the end of the tunnel

So....one week or so after my last post, I almost hit rock bottom. I thought I really almost lost the single thing that I love the most. But the reality is that, I didn't realize or rather was oblivious to what was going on or maybe I was so self absorbed that I didn't realize that the very thing I love the most was in the danger of floating away.

So when shit almost hit the fan, I realized one thing, it's almost always that not the danger that kills you but rather the panic. And so, I realized that I've to sit down to think through my thoughts, work through them, listen and speak and most importantly, have trust that God will pull me through. So I prayed, gathered my thoughts, listened and spoke and yes, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I've become stronger and realized that it's not always about me. That's the reality of life.

But what matters to me then? It's my family. It's Babe and little Baba. Take whatever you want to take but don't take Babe and Baba away from me. I can give up my lifestyle and live simply as long as I've my boys, I'll be happy. And most importantly, I've realized that I'm not in control of my life. But rather it's God that knows what's going to happen next. So no matter how much planning I make or how much worrying I worry, it's all come to naught because God is in control and not me.

With that in mind, I'm a lot more at peace with myself. I know that I no longer have a five year plan or don't really know if I'll still be in HK next year. But I know that God is in control and whatever it is, He will take care of our needs and be there for us.

Balloons

When we were preparing for little Baba's birthday, I noticed that Jojo had a phobia of balloons. She didn't want to be near the balloons and she was basically almost in tears with the balloons. As I probed further and asked more questions, she was afraid not of the balloons themselves but rather them floating away.

When looking at her fear, I realized that it's with the most of us. We're not afraid of certain things in itself. And honestly, she loves balloons when they are not filled with helium! So what are our fears? Is it the thought of losing the very thing that we love so much because we're afraid that it might float away from our very hands? That's what I'm sort of facing now. I'm very afraid of things floating away. But I don't want to love them too much and grab them too tightly that they burst in my face. Neither do I want to let them go. So what do I do now?

I really don't know. I hate it when things are in my hands and within reach and I've to let them go. But maybe it's the letting them go that I'll come to realize what God has truly prepared for me. Well, in short, my summer is ending on a low in the sense that my vision of life has once again become foggy and I've really got to lean on my Heavenly Father to guide me through this fog.

Almost the end of summer

So we're almost at the end of summer holidays. This summer has been amazing! Let me repeat, amazing! I had 7 weeks of holidays and only had to turn up at work for 2 days. Just 2 days! Anyway, it's been a good summer.

So summer started with a flight to London and then flight to Bologna, train to Florence, train to Lake Como, train to Milan, train to Verona, train to Milan and finally flight back to HK. The trip was superb, fabulous, amazing, wonderful, incredible, marvelous, and well, you get it. I had the best time with Eve. Totally the best time. Even though we've not seen each other for two years, it didn't matter as we just picked up where we left off. She was just the best travel partner. We did everything that we wanted to do and see. Eve tried to show me everything in London. Italy was way beyond expectations! The food was so so good. Let's just say that we never had a bad meal at all! The sights, oh mine! I loved the architecture, the nature and just everything! Shopping, well, let's not even go there.

The photos say it all!

 Bestie and me after all these years of friendship! Thanks girl for being the best traveling companion! We were at some tube station in London. Can't remember where. Probably too jet lagged to even remember!

 At Bologna. Our first Italian stop.

 Laughing at the manhoods that we have been seeing!

 Beautiful carousel in the middle of Florence.

 The Duomo in Florence. We stayed probably less than five minutes walk away from it.

 Beautiful Cinque Terre. The beginning of the 4.5 km or more hike.

 Just look at the beautiful houses on the cliff.

 And I survived the crazy hike! Very glad that I did it.

 Another village at Cinque Terre.

 The bird's eye view of Florence. Someday, I'll be back with Babe. Truly beautiful city that captivated my heart.

The view of Lake Como from our hotel. Well, George Cloney owns a house there and obviously we never ran into him. Nevertheless, great view with great company, what more could I ask for?

On the wall of Juliet's home in Verona. Well, that's what they say it's supposedly to be the location of Juliet's balcony but in fact it has no connection at all!

The Duomo in Milan. Very beautiful. Such as shame that we weren't dressed appropriately to enter the church.

It was kinda sad when my trip with Eve ended but at the same time, I couldn't wait to get home to Babe and Baba. Got back to HK for a couple of days and then Baba and I took off to Spore. It was a totally great time in Spore. Got to see Jo Mei Mei and most importantly, attended Jacqui and Joel's engagement, can't wait for the wedding. Well, sort of....Jacqui's moving to Melbourne after they get married, so that's kinda hard for us too. And then we celebrated little Baba's birthday with the family. And again, enjoy the photos!

 Cousins reuniting at the airport.

 Totally yummy burgers!

 This is one of my favourite photo. Holding hands. Simple action that speaks of love.

 One of my highlight, Breakfast with Sesame Street Characters.

 Jojo loves Madagascar.

 Trying to get in all the ladies in the family.

 Don't we just look alike?

 A family pic!

 Cookie Monster and Big Bird.

 An afternoon at Pollywogs.

Litte Baba loves his latest cousin.

 And I made these Cookie Monsters for Baba's party.

Swim time at Baba's party.

 We had a poolside party.

 Soon it was time to leave and we flew off on Baba's birthday. 

 When we came back to HK, we had another party for little Baba with his classmates. He had a blast! He was pretty much surprised to see his classmates. And so was I! It was a typhoon signal 8 in the afternoon and it was still typhoon signal 3 when everyone arrived at the party. Goes to show that little Baba is totally loved by everyone!

So you'll think that that's it for summer holidays right? No! Babe decided that we should take a weekend trip to Taipei with Baba and again, it was a blast. It was good for the family to bond and basically spend time with each other. And again photos!

 We visited the zoo. Probably the cheapest zoo that I've ever been. Not that I've been to many zoos in the world. Wait, think I've been to at least 5 zoos around the world? But anyway, it's like SIN2.50 for the three of us to enter the zoo! Totally worth it and there were quite a fair bit of animals there.

 When the hotel knew that it was around little Baba's birthday, they sent us a pretty large cake for the three of us.

 My cute little fireman! We went to Baby Boss in Taipei and Little Baba had the chance to play fireman.

Swim time at the hotel pool.

And with that, it pretty sums up my summer holidays. It has been a great break. I'm enjoying the last bits of the holidays before I start work proper. 

Almost there!

I'm just about twenty-four hours away from checking in at the airport. As cliche as it can sound, time flies when you are having fun! I can't believe that the academic year is just steps away from ending. And soon little Baba is going to be another year older. It has been overall a great year.

So I started the academic year at a new school after working in the last six years. It's almost first time in my working life that I joined everyone in commuting to work. It takes me an hour from door to door to work and then there's this stairs that's more than 150 steps to climb once I get out of the train station. In the beginning, I tried taking the train and then climbing the steps like everyone else and then, I gave up! These days, I cab it to work. The students that I teach now, more than two thirds in every class come from broken families. Less than ten percent has ever been in a airplane. And when my students find out that my lunch costs more than HK50, they give me a disapproving look. Sure, the class discipline is worse than what I was used to. The reality, the first two months was a nightmare! I often looked out of my window into my old school and wonder what have I done to myself?

But now, at the end of the academic year, how do I feel? Every day, I'm beginning to see why God has brought me to this school. Sure it is hard work. I'm not going to deny it. I spend more time repeating myself, dealing with discipline and more money in buying and baking stuff for the kids. Are these things worth it? Yes, because I see the changes in the students. Even some of the naughtiest boys are changing for the better. There's more effort from them to speak to me in English. They are more motivated than before and they seem to put in more effort in English. And the truth is that, I'm really going to miss my first batch of p6 students even though I've known them only for such a short time.

On the home front, it's been a trying year for Babe and me. Babe's been traveling a lot more and I was still getting adjusted to the new school and there were times that we butt heads. But at the end of the day, we knew that we're in for the long run and so we need to compromise and stop bringing home stress and to work as a united front. Babe being the sweetheart, gave me one of the best presents ever. I'll talk about it later.

With little Baba, he's grown so much. So much that I can't stress how proud am I of him. Last year, little Baba failed an interview with a kindy near our home and I was fine with it. Our thoughts were, if he can't get into a kindy then, he'll stay at home for another year. It's not going to kill him or anything like that. Thank God, a friend told me about a kindy that's in Sheung Wan. So I went to have a look, I liked it, and then brought Babe there and he liked it and so I registered little Baba. The first two weeks, it was a nightmare. He cried every day but we persisted and now, he totally loves school. He's learnt lots and he's picked up quite a fair bit of Mandarin as well. He would often come home singing songs he learnt at school be it in English or Mandarin. It's really endearing hearing him sing. He's also made friends in school and we went on a couple play dates this week. I enjoyed the company of other mummies. Overall, it's been great with little Baba. He loves school so much that he's going to summer school!

So Babe decided that he would give me a really superb present. Can't really complain because he's the best husband ever. He decided gift me a trip to Italy to meet Eve! Woohoo!!!! He knew that I've not seen Eve for close to two years and I'm really missing her and so he generously told me that I could go on a trip with her and that he'll take care of little Baba. So I'll be leaving in about twenty-four hours to fly to London to meet Eve and then we'll be off to Italy exploring different places. Can't bloody wait! After Italy, we'll be off to Spore to celebrate little Baba's birthday and also to hang out with Jo Meimei and Babe being always so wonderful decided that we should have a short family holiday with just the three of us, we're going to Taipei. So this is just going to be a wonderful summer! Totally blessed and am humbled.

Meanwhile, enjoy these photos and my fav video from little Baba's graduation party. He's moving from Little Casa to Casa, well, I don't really know what does that mean anyway!

Sisterly Love

A couple of girlfriends told me over dinners on different occasions that how they used to be close to their sisters but over time living in different countries, they aren't as close as before. And even Babe's brother, well, the brothers aren't even close to be begin with and it's even worse now as his brother at times seems more like an acquaintance than family. And I started to think about my sisters.

When we were going up, due to situations and circumstances over the growing up years, we were very close. I was and am still rather protective of sisters. In some ways, being the eldest in the family, I sometimes and actually quite often become the mother hen and want the best for my sisters. In my teens, I would bring my sisters out with my friends, well, not really my friends since we grew up in the same church. Sometimes, I would give my sisters advice or pass certain comments but it's all done in love. Sure, once in a while, we don't see eye to eye and there has been screaming matches but at the end of the day, they are my sisters and I love them.

A few years ago, when Joanne had Jojo, I was over the moon! Jojo almost feels like my daughter. I would buy her clothes and it's almost whatever she wanted and she wants, Babe and I would get for her. And now Jo Meimei arrived, again, I'm so excited and can't wait to see her. Kinda bummed that we're not going to make it for Jo Meimei's first month party. Jacqui's getting married in December and of course, I'm all excited for her. We whatsapped about the wedding and go through hotel packages, dresses, and what not. There's always stuff to check on and talk about. Almost never ending.

Whenever we're back in Singapore, there's always places and things to do with my sisters and the kids. Joanne and Jacqui would think of stuff to do with the kids. There's almost a never ending list of things to do with my sisters. When I needed help with Baba, Jacqui flew over so that I could go on a couple trip with Babe. I can't even remember an occasion that I needed to catch a cab home after landing at the airport. One of my sisters would be there to pick us up. In short, my sisters are there for me whenever I need them.

But when I think about what my friends said about not being as close as before to their sisters, I reflect upon my relationship with my sisters. I've spent four years in Australia and now, about seven years in Hong Kong. I missed Joanne's engagement party and I hated that. When I chose to live overseas, I made an effort to head home quite often and now with Facetime and whatsapp, I make an effort to communicate with them almost every day. And I'm sure my sisters do the same. They make the effort with me. Joanne wants Jojo to know me. My great fear when Jojo arrived was that she'll never know me. But that fear is no longer there. The smile on her face, the spark in her eyes and the shouts that I get from her at the airport, is beyond description!

Jacqui is moving away from Singapore soon. And sure, there's a little of reluctance on my part. I know that I'll see her less, Baba is going to see her less too. And yes, I'll miss her. But I'm supportive of her and I want her to go and be happy. I'm excited for her starting a new life with her soulmate. But I know that I would need to make sure that Baba will not forget his Yeeyee Jacqui. It's cute sometimes when Baba randomly ask about his Yeeyees.

And on that thought, I do feel sorry that Baba will not have that experience of having siblings. Babe is pretty certain that he does want another child. And I respect that decision. Sometimes I wonder who would Baba talk to when he wants a listening ear other than his parents? Who is he going to confide and share about his crushes and about his naughty teenage stuff? I had my sisters. The closest thing he has to siblings are his cousins. And since we live 3 and half hours flight away, would he really grow up to be close to his cousins? Yes, it does sound silly and frivolous but it matters to me. And hence the reason why we fly home so often. I want Baba to know his family. Someday I may not be around but there's always family that will look after him.

Meantime, enjoy these photos.