Weight, Self- Esteem and Happiness

When I look back at my life, I was probably the thinnest or the slimmest when I was at university in Gold Coast. But prior to leaving for uni, probably from the age of 15, I was very careful of what I ate. I didn't eat chicken rice for more than 5 to 8 years and it was the same with quite a fair bit of hawker food. I would go as far as the try to blot of the oil from the fried chicken at KFC or the fries. Actually to this day, I would never order a pack of fries for myself. I'll pinch off someone or Babe.

Then when I went to uni, I wouldn't say that it became worse but I guess my lifestyle became quite unhealthy. I started to smoke. No that I'm very proud of it. It was great at that time. It curbed my appetite, there were days that I could survive just of smokes and coffee. Plus not forgetting I was clubbing and dancing almost like for 4 to 5 hours 3 times a week. Sure, I was slim but I was unhealthy. And at that time, I did question myself quite a lot. I was busy making sure that I was slim, trying to look good and basically being a shallow person and I was unhealthy. I felt dizzy all the time and squat and stand up without feeling the world around me spinning. And then when uni ended, that's when I piled on the weight.

I quit smoking cold turkey and in maybe in 6 months or so, I piled up 10 kgs or more. My self-esteem took a plunge. It was hard because I was struggling to lose weight, cold turkey no smokes, and then for the first time, questioning if I love myself. At that time, I wished so hard that I could go back to smoking so just to keep my weight down. Did I think of cancer and whatever, no, I didn't care. But thank God that I had a loving boyfriend who reminded me of what was important.

But evening with his encouragement, it didn't stop my journey or search for weight loss. I've tried it all. Supplements, pills, doctors' visits, slimming centres, exercising crazily. You name it, I've tried it. It became a yo-yo thingy. I would swing from one side to another. The search never ended. It didn't end after I got married. I wanted to remain slim and fit into pretty clothes. But was I concern about health? No! Was I truly happy? No! I was so self absorbed.

But in the last few years I've come to terms with myself. Size does not matter. Yes, it's true. It does not matter as long as I'm healthy and I'm happy. I don't go out and gorge myself silly. I eat and don't deprive myself. I exercise because I want to be healthy and live for a couple more years and be there for Babe and Ba Ba. I don't want to be stricken with cancer or a bunch of health issues due to obesity. At the same time, I don't care to be rail thin and start counting calories and be jealous of whatever people are eating. Yes, I'll rather be fat and happy than thin and unhappy and disgruntled. There, I've said it. The exercising that I do, is for myself and not for anyone else. I do enjoy the solitude and time to myself on the threadmill. So there you go, I've sort out my fat thoughts. I'm happy the way I am. My happiness and self-esteem levels do not depend on the kilograms.