Bittersweet

So last night I received a phone call with news that could be the best news or the saddest news in the last three years pending on the decision that's going to be made.

I went to bed with a very heavy heart knowing that the possibility of the outcome. It's the outcome that would probably make me really sad. I lay in bed questioning God why did you allow that phone call to come through and get me all excited thinking that my prayers have been answered only to realize the reality that the excitement can be soon extinguished by sadness. And as I lay, I began to cry out to God, it was pretty heart wrenching to a certain extent because I wasn't able to pour out my soul to Babe because he's away on a mission trip which I'm incredibly proud of. But that's another story altogether.

And as I pour out my soul, I heard God speak in a small and gentle voice. He told me to trust and have faith in Him. And yet again, it's really hard. I'm not going to deny that it's easy to have trust and faith in Him at this point. My life to a certain extent is in an upheaval. I'm beginning to feel that my faith in Him is really stretched at this point of time and I wonder how much more will before it snaps. Then again, I heard God speak, 'Child, I love you too much for your faith to snap.' And that's when I paused, ironically, my name is Faith, so Faith can't have her faith snap right? I remember having a meal with a really close sister in Christ telling her that I feel that I've gone through so much that I have enough faith in God that no matter whatever that happens, I know that God would have my back. But in my despair last night, I asked God why? Why all these things and emotions? Have I not trusted you enough?

To a large extent, I just want a normal life. A non complicated happy life that's not stretched so much and I don't want to have many lows. In other words, I want a non eventful, normal life. But I realized that that not what God want for me. He wants me to experience the lows so that I know what's a high. He wants me to experience discomfort so that I can be a blessing to people who are going what I've been through. He wants to stretch my faith so that I can grow and rely on Him more. But all these makes me tired and weary. And that's again when I realized that God wants me to rest in Him. He wants to show me that He can move the mountains and even if the decision is going to be a sad and painful one, His love would be sufficient for me. I need to know and understand that.

So tonight as I sleep, I know, this too will pass. And after this passes, my faith will have grown and I'll be a stronger person because I know that God will be watching over me. Please pray for the decision to be made. Pray for God's will and not my will. This is always the difficult bit. I need to remember, it's God over me.