Another Year Older

I'm another year older which means, that's another year of blessings from the Almighty. This year, I'm super thankful for so many things that God has so generously showered upon us. I remember singing the hymn, 'Count your blessings, name them one by one.' For me, there's way too many blessings for me to count them one by one. I'm blessed. So very blessed that I can't ask for more.

When I look back at the year, God has given me new eyesight again. Got lasik done and by God's grace, everything went well. God blessed us with Josias. Had family and best friends dropping by in Hong Kong when we couldn't leave the country. Babe got a job promotion, went to Maldives on a short break, went to Redang with mum, Joanne, JC, Eve and Reggie. And yes, Eve popped into Asia when I couldn't fly to her side of the world. Met up with Sharon in Singapore. E, B and L popped into HK for a couple of days. And there's probably lots more that I missed out.

God has been good. Too good. Every morning I wake up and am so thankful for everything that has been provided. Materially, I've got enough. I don't covet or want more because I'm just thankful for all that has been provided. I married my best friend and soulmate. I've got a beautiful son. I've got a great family in Singapore and around the world. Great friends in Singapore who I miss heaps. Wonderful friends in HK who have become family. So honestly, what could I ask for more? Nothing! I don't need anymore birthday presents because I've got everything. Yes, the truth is that. I've got everything. Anything more is always a bonus.

Lord, thanks so more for everything that you have provided for me. I really could never ask for more. Thanks for blessing me with so much. I'm so humbled and grateful for all that you have done for me. Thank you.

Listening

I thought for a while trying to figure out the title of this post. And finally, I decided, that 'listening' would be the most apt. I've got to admit, I'm not very good with listening at times. I talk way too much.

A few weeks ago, Babe and I were having a conversation. We were talking about our future and what we like. I told Babe that I would like a biological child. My health insurance was expiring and we had to decide what we wanted. I wasn't going to pay for maternity insurance if we won't going to try for a baby. And for you folks wondering, yes, we've been using protection all these while. Babe told me quite seriously that he's happy with Ba Ba and he's not ready for another child and he doesn't want another child.

The truth is that when he said that, I was sad. Wait, not just sad, I was devastated. I'm like, why? I know it's ironic isn't it. For the longest time, I didn't want a biological child and now when I want the biological child, Babe doesn't want it. I accepted what he said. Sure, I was sad. I wanted to know what it is like to carry a child, to breastfeed, to have a natural birth. Yes, I wanted all of those. I even didn't mind the postnatal depression that scares me. I wanted all of those! But I didn't fight and push through my way. But instead, I accepted what Babe said. I took it. I paused and listened.

Last Sunday when we were at church, I felt God speak to me. Yes, it's always in those moments that God speaks to me. He reminded me the reason and rationale of us adopting Ba Ba. And he told me that, yes, the family will expand but it will be done His way and not my way. Instantly, I felt a lot better. I knew that God has a purpose and as always, His ways are always higher than my ways. He's my father and He'll want the best for me. I just had to trust Him. I listened.

In my mind, I knew what God has in stored for us. And this week, it became more apparent as I listened to the message podcasts from another church. I knew that God was sending me signs and getting us ready. We are not going to put in the papers for adoption again. But instead, we're going to wait this out. My prayer is, if this is God's will, He'll make it come through even though we don't do anything. We were told by my our social worker during our probation with Ba Ba that in the event if Ba Ba's biological mother gives up another child, we'll be the first one to get the phone call even if we didn't put in our papers.

So this is the deal. We are going to obey and wait upon the Lord. But in the mean time, we'll be enjoying Ba Ba. And how do I feel now? Excited, because I know that God has a plan for us and He's going to bless us!

Forgiveness is Not My Forte

I admit that forgiveness has never been my forte. Babe would know that very well. And I am very thankful that over the years he has tolerated me bringing up issues that have already been dealt with a million times. I love him for that.

Anyway back to the point. There's another thing about me, I don't like to confront people unless these are friends that matter to me. I always tend to rather walk away. In other words, I walk away from the friendship. I've had ex-colleagues that became friends and when they crossed my path or stabbed me in the back, I ceased talking to them unless it's for professional reasons. Yes, I'm petty. I don't deny it. But I don't see the need of my feelings being hurt further. These were just colleagues who didn't mean anything to me because they're not related to me. They were just people that I worked with. That's the way I saw it. So when I left the school, my relationship of any sort ceased. It didn't matter if they were happy, sad or whatever because I ceased having feelings for them.

With friends, it's almost the same. There are friends that I've had but over time I feel that the friendships are not worth or something happened that I felt hurt, insult, upset or whatever, I just walk away from the friendships and the friendships are reduced to hi and bye when our paths crossed. I don't see the need to confront and say well, you did this and that and so I'm hurt, upset, disappointed or whatever. These are the friends that may not matter to me or maybe they did matter to me but I saw a side of them that I didn't like.

A while ago, I had a friend who admittedly was going through a rough patch. We were kinda close but to me, her rough patch wasn't that a big deal. I honestly tried to be a listening ear but there was a limit that I could deal with. One night after dinner while heading home, she poured out her thoughts to me. But as she was pouring out her thoughts, she got louder and louder and as I tried to calm her down, she turned snappish and suddenly I felt that it was now all my fault that she was getting upset. I let her speak whatever that she wanted to say and then it was bye and have a good night. Yup, after that incident, something changed. But still I invited her out for dinners when I had dinner with mutual friends. But the final straw came when she told a mutual friend that I cut her out when I just sent a message to her and a couple of ladies to invite them out for dinner. So I got the drift. She was deleted from my Facebook. Yes, that friendship died. Why didn't I bother to call and asked why she said what she said to a mutual friend? Because she was not worth it. A friend that decides to bad mouth me is not worth my time. Yes, there are mutual friends that are still friends with her. Good for them. Am I mad with them? No, I'm glad that she still has good friends. And that's all.

Then once upon a time, one of my best friend poked fun at my weight. At that time, I was really struggling with my weight and self esteem and a bunch of stuff. I was really hurt. But this friend mattered a lot to me. I knew if I didn't address this issue soon, the friendship would be affected. And he's someone that I love. So I wrote him an email. In the email I told him how much it hurt and why I was upset. He called immediately after he read the email and he apologized. Initially I was still angry and I didn't want to forgive, like I said, forgiveness is not my forte. But I accepted his apologies and yes, all is well now. It was him taking the effort and eating the humble pie to call that made me love him even more. He became the friend that I don't want to lose. Even though we live in different countries we still keep in contact and we make the effort to keep the friendship going.

Forgiveness is sometimes hard for me. But as a Christian it becomes extremely important. When I look back and wonder if those people that cross my path and I crossed them out of my lives come back with an apology, would I forgive them? It's a hard question because at the heart of Christianity is forgiveness. If Christ can forgive all of our sins, why can't I then forgive my friends? To me it's easier to forgive family because family is family, you just got to forgive them. But with friends, what's the loss to me? Nothing, honestly. But is that what Christianity is all about? Then the question goes one step further, why is it then so difficult to forgive a fellow Christian brother or sister? It's hard isn't it? It's something that I learn every day.

So if one of those people that have being crossed out from my list calls or emails me and apologizes, what will I do? I don't know, honestly. And that's why I'm still working on learning to forgive and let go of my anger and pride. It's an ongoing process that needs lots of prayers.

Random Thoughts

One of my favourite channels on cable is Bio Channel. The shows that especially intrigue me are Relapse, Rehab, Invention and yes, you get the drift. Drug related or addiction shows. I don't know why but these shows fascinate me.

These shows always start with someone who has some form of addiction, quite often alcohol, drugs or pills. Then you have parents who always he or she was such a great child. He or she was great in school, in soccer, baseball, and the list goes on. He or she could have been a doctor, lawyer or whatever. And then the famous line from parents, 'We don't know what went wrong.' And then we get sobs.

Yes, I sound condescending. I know. But truth of the matter is this, I wonder if this could happen to little Ba Ba. I seriously wonder. If what the parents of those people in the show say is the truth, then it could very well happen to little Ba Ba. And yes, I worry. I worry very much. Every night Babe and I pray that little Ba Ba would just grow up to be a God fearing man. That's all I care.

Going back to the shows, as a trained counsellor, we always ask the same question, did something drastic happen along the way? And the sinister human in me asks, what about the parents? Are they to blame? Maybe 1 in 10 parents that I've watched actually took responsibility and say, yes, we played a part in his or her destruction. I clearly remember Dr Tim Keller from Redeemer Presbyterian Church preach about Substitutionary Sacrifice. He said that quite often with parents that when their kids were much younger, they were too busy with their lives to sacrifice their time for their kids and when their kids hit teen or late teens and start having problems, they question why. He mentioned, it's simple, the only way for children to grow up with freedom and independence is for parents to sacrifice their freedom and independence.

Isn't that quite true? We want kids and yet we don't want the responsibilities that come along with children. We lament that our freedom is has been curtailed. We send the kids to live with the babysitter or grandparents and bring them back only during the weekends or when it's convenient for us and say that we'll make up to them over the weekends or when we have time. But like the saying goes, time waits for no man, soon the little kids will grow to big kids and things may change and then it may be too late. When friends tell me that they are have not choice but to be weekend parents, I smile weakly and politely at them. But in my head, I'm thinking, sure you have a choice. It's just that you're not exercising that choice.

Look, I'm not saying that Babe and I are great parents. Nope! We're far from it. We dated from 10 years before getting married and we were married for more than 8 years before little Ba Ba came to us. In other words, for the longest time, it was just the both of us and then little Ba Ba appeared. We had to sacrifice our Christmas, Chinese New Year and Easter holidays and the short getaways to wherever disappeared. We had to consider little Ba Ba and yes, I admit there were times that we felt that he was in the way. But then again, I was reminded by what Dr Tim Keller said. These are sacrifices that we make because we love him. Just like God made Jesus a sacrifice because He loves us. Babe and I had to look for the happy medium. We have our date nights and some Saturday afternoons we take time for ourselves. We took a short trip to Maldives. But it's hard to look for that happy medium at times and I admit that. There are times that I wish that I could go to the gym in Central or have dinner with my friends or do whatever I like. Even with Babe, he has to coordinate and make sure that his work trips does not take him away too long.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that some times, not all the time, kids grow up messed up and parents have a role in it. Denial and neither ignorance is bliss. Parents play a huge role in moulding their kids. I'm still learning or rather every day I'm learning to be a better parent. Last Sunday when I spent the whole day with little Ba Ba (just Ba Ba and me), I told little Ba Ba thanks for giving me a chance to spend time with you. I had tears rolling down when I said that. My constant prayer is for little Ba Ba to grow up to be a God fearing man. However, in the event he stumbles or falls along the way, we'll always be there to pick him up.

Little Ba Ba, Da Da and Ma Ma love you unconditionally and remember no matter whatever that happens, we'll always be there and we love you.

Weight, Self- Esteem and Happiness

When I look back at my life, I was probably the thinnest or the slimmest when I was at university in Gold Coast. But prior to leaving for uni, probably from the age of 15, I was very careful of what I ate. I didn't eat chicken rice for more than 5 to 8 years and it was the same with quite a fair bit of hawker food. I would go as far as the try to blot of the oil from the fried chicken at KFC or the fries. Actually to this day, I would never order a pack of fries for myself. I'll pinch off someone or Babe.

Then when I went to uni, I wouldn't say that it became worse but I guess my lifestyle became quite unhealthy. I started to smoke. No that I'm very proud of it. It was great at that time. It curbed my appetite, there were days that I could survive just of smokes and coffee. Plus not forgetting I was clubbing and dancing almost like for 4 to 5 hours 3 times a week. Sure, I was slim but I was unhealthy. And at that time, I did question myself quite a lot. I was busy making sure that I was slim, trying to look good and basically being a shallow person and I was unhealthy. I felt dizzy all the time and squat and stand up without feeling the world around me spinning. And then when uni ended, that's when I piled on the weight.

I quit smoking cold turkey and in maybe in 6 months or so, I piled up 10 kgs or more. My self-esteem took a plunge. It was hard because I was struggling to lose weight, cold turkey no smokes, and then for the first time, questioning if I love myself. At that time, I wished so hard that I could go back to smoking so just to keep my weight down. Did I think of cancer and whatever, no, I didn't care. But thank God that I had a loving boyfriend who reminded me of what was important.

But evening with his encouragement, it didn't stop my journey or search for weight loss. I've tried it all. Supplements, pills, doctors' visits, slimming centres, exercising crazily. You name it, I've tried it. It became a yo-yo thingy. I would swing from one side to another. The search never ended. It didn't end after I got married. I wanted to remain slim and fit into pretty clothes. But was I concern about health? No! Was I truly happy? No! I was so self absorbed.

But in the last few years I've come to terms with myself. Size does not matter. Yes, it's true. It does not matter as long as I'm healthy and I'm happy. I don't go out and gorge myself silly. I eat and don't deprive myself. I exercise because I want to be healthy and live for a couple more years and be there for Babe and Ba Ba. I don't want to be stricken with cancer or a bunch of health issues due to obesity. At the same time, I don't care to be rail thin and start counting calories and be jealous of whatever people are eating. Yes, I'll rather be fat and happy than thin and unhappy and disgruntled. There, I've said it. The exercising that I do, is for myself and not for anyone else. I do enjoy the solitude and time to myself on the threadmill. So there you go, I've sort out my fat thoughts. I'm happy the way I am. My happiness and self-esteem levels do not depend on the kilograms.

Choices

I stumbled onto this link while reading someone's blog. It got me thinking about choices in life and the judgements that we make.

So it starts with Julie at 18 with an 8 day old infant and she's been infected with Aids in San Francisco. The photographer went through 7 years with her till she died. In that 7 years, she had maybe 5 kids, 4 of them were taken from her (if I remember correctly), had a couple of partners who were infected with Aids and were druggies. And the photographer even went on to set her up with her kid who was adopted and was with her in her final days.

Reading the story, it was very easy for me to say, how stupid can one person get? And what? Can't even feed herself and look at the filthy room that she has put herself in with her baby. Look! No wonder her kids were taken from her. Good! She deserved it! And well, that's the life that she has chosen. Poverty, drugs, along with Aids and kids. Why couldn't she bring herself to pull herself out of that hole?

Yes, I can go on and on and make those judgements on her. But as I read on, I felt sorry for her. She was in such a deep hole that she didn't know how to pull herself out. She knew that she screwed herself over. She did try to get clean but she didn't have the support. And her kids, I feel for her kids. And I feel for her when her kids were taken from her. Plus, look at her childhood. It was awful and no wonder she turned out the way she is. It's hard. I don't deny it.

Yes, those were my thoughts as well. But at the same time, I wonder, didn't she have choices? We make choices and from the choices we make, there are consequences. And these consequences sometimes bring along results that we like or we hate. In order words, it's a cycle. We also learn from the bad choices or decisions that we make.

I look at my life and am very thankful for people around me who were and are still there when I make bad or not so good decisions. And these are the same people who are there supporting me, waiting to catch me when I fall from the bad or wrong decisions I made. And these very same people never judge me when I make bad or wrong decisions. That's why I love them. Yes, they point and remind me that maybe, not a good choice. I persist and they say, yes, we're here and yes, stuffs up in my face, come, we'll give you a hug.

Then I look at Julie's life and I wonder, did she have the same kind of people that I have in my life? Was she lucid enough to realize that it might have not been a good idea to have so many kids? Why didn't she use protection? What was going through her head?

And my final thought, if I had a friend like Julie, would I reach out to her? Truth be told, I don't know. And I do not like that my answer is, I don't know.