Ma Ma is in one of her pensive moods again. Da Da's away and I guess this gives me a chance to have some quiet and to reflect on stuff. There's a couple of things that came to my mind this evening.
One of them is obedience. Yes, it's kinda interesting that I'm going to be writing to you about obedience. Don't worry, I'm going to be lecturing you on behaving better but rather I'm going to write to you about me obeying God. So you know that I'm not working in the school that's five minutes' away from home and I've got to spend more time commuting and less time with you. It's kinda hard for me that I'm further from home and I get less time with you. No more thirty minutes lunches with you. But why did I give all these up? Yes, why? Reason, obedience. Well, a few months ago, the opportunity to move to another school came up and I resisted the move. I was thinking, I'm happy at where I'm working, I get to spend time with you and that's important to me. But over time, I felt God talking to me and telling me to obey and worse, Da Da came home one day and told me that God told him to tell me to move to that school. So I thought, should I obey and add discomfort of commuting, not having lunches with you, not coming home early to hang out with you, and lots more to obey God?
It's sad isn't it, Little Baba when I had to ponder if I should obey God? And you're thinking, Ma Ma, then why are you so hard on me when I disobey you? The reality is, Baba, even me, your Ma Ma had to think before obeying and I'm trying my best to guide you in God's path. I never want you to stray and not be able to hear God and go through what I had to go through for disobeying God. No, I want you to be on the right path and never stray. I know that I'll never be able to guide you forever but I want you to have the foundation and understand the rationale of obedience. But in saying that, it brings me to my next point.
'Ma Ma, will you love me if I disappoint you or do something that's so wrong or really disobeyed you?' My dear Josias, you have to remember that Ma Ma's love for you is unconditional. Yes, understand, it's unconditional. You may think sometimes that my love for you is conditional because sometimes you get a smack or get stuff taken away because you misbehave. But little Baba, every night before you go to bed, I'll always hug and kiss you and say that I love you no matter how good or how tough the day has been for me. It's the same with Da Da. He loves you no matter what. And it's harder for Da Da as he travels at least once a month now and he really misses you. And when he has to smack or disciplines you, it hurts him even more. So remember, little one, our love for you in unconditional. And no matter whatever that happens in life, we'll always be here for you, in good times or bad times, in ups and in downs and forever and ever, we'll be here for you.
Little Baba, I'm trying to be a good mother sometimes, it's hard, yes, its so hard! There are days as I lay in bed thinking that I could have handled some situations better with you and that I missed a teaching point with you or that maybe I disappointed you in some ways and it kills me that I could have been a better mother but I know that I'm not perfect and therefore I cannot expect a perfect boy. I fall short myself and so how can I demand perfection from you? And there are nights that I feel that I owe you an apology. But little Baba, I'm learning and I'm learning as fast as possible. I'm trying to be the best that I know how to be and every day is a learning process for me. But ultimately, I want you to know that I love you and nothing's going to change that.
Yes, Baba, we love you more than you can ever imagine. You are the baby that we prayed so hard for. You are the chosen one and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. God chose you to be our precious son and He gave us time to be better husband and wife to each other and even let us practise with Jojo before you were given to us. So always remember, we love you no matter what. There's no ifs or buts!
Love you forever and ever,
Ma Ma
P.S. I hope that in the event that if I do pass on before you turn into an adult, your god parents or my good friends will take time to look through my blog to print out all the letters to you. And enjoy your pics!
Playing with Da Da. Love it when I watch the both of you interact. You bring out the best in Da Da, makes me more in love with Da Da!
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