Finally

Yes, so finally I can write what's been in my head and heart for the past couple of months. The past year has been a series of roller coaster rides. It was hard to hold my faith and trust that God will ride it out with us. There were times that I've wanted to really shake my fists at God. And I admit that the temptation to stop going to church and stop believing in what I'm meant to believe was very great. But yesterday at church just before the service ended and the worship band played this song, I know that deep down, I worship a faithful God.

Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
How You love me

You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand

Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me

Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, You love me, oh

I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed everyday
So amazed
How You love me, Lord

Maybe slightly more a year ago, I wanted a second child. I didn't care if it was going to be a boy or girl but I wanted a child. But Babe didn't want a second child. He was happy with Baba. So I started to pray. One Sunday at church that He told me that He will expand the family and I remembered asking Him, how? Over time, Babe kinda agreed but on the condition that he gets another job. At that time, he was planning to take a break from work and he wanted time to refresh and recharged. My heart skipped a beat, thanking God for it. But again, at the back of my head, I'm thinking, God, you know that I'm getting old, how is that even going to be possible? And God replied, remember Sarah and Elizabeth? It's going to happen. And again, I placed my trust in Him. Soon after, Babe took a break from work.

Then beginning of December came. Babe went on a mission trip to Manila. His first ever mission trip. I was so incredibly proud of him. It was that during that same trip that I received a call. A call that changed my life again. A social worker from the Social Welfare Department called and told me that Baba's birth mother had another boy and yes, she's giving him up for adoption again. At that moment, my world spun around. I wasn't sure what to say or how to react. My prayers were answered.

So I whatsapped Babe and told him the news. The reply came and it was a no. I remember that it was a Friday night, my world came crashing down. I sat alone in bed, cried and prayed and this song came to me. It reminded me that God is still watching over me. I prayed and cried. Sent messages to my sisters and to the godfather of Baba. I was encouraged by them. In my sadness and despair, God told me not to push Babe or even talk to him about it. I knew it was a strange thing to hear from God but I decided to obey. So Babe came back and I didn't push for the adoption or anything of that sort. Meanwhile, I called the social worker to ask for more time. Babe agreed to speak to the social worker and then we discussed more and I told him that the ball is in his court. All this time, I prayed and my family and friends prayed. I even chose his name. My sisters poked fun at me. Husband said no and I've already chosen the name.

After Chinese New Year, we agreed that we were going to adopt again. My heart did flips and jumps for joy. The paperwork started and then preparation work came and in the midst of everything, God so graciously cut short Babe's break from work and gave him a job. In late March, Jonas Thaddeus Xin En came to live with us. Jonas, a reminder of obedience to serve God. Jonah in the bible was swallowed by the whale when he went the opposite direction of where God told him to go. Jonas also mean peace. Thaddeus, a gift from God. He's a total surprise gift from God. Xin is faith in Chinese. And En is grace. He's called Wawa, that was the nick name that Baba gave him.

On the 8th of October, Wawa's adoption came to a close and he's truly ours. It's a journey. Always a journey. There'll always be ups and downs but I'm learning to lean on God's promises rather than my own strength. I am blessed. Beyond blessed. So ever ever grateful.

Enjoy the photos.

When little Wawa first arrived.

Hanging out at the pool with the family. The reason why we couldn't go back to Spore for summer.

And still more time at the pool.

Little Wawa watching his brother and daddy kicking around. Soon, soon, he'll join them.

My little spider woody boy. He's so adorable and cute! Don't you just want to squeeze him?

Little Wawa's first birthday. As tradition, I try to bake a cake for the boys' birthday. It's so heartwarming to see them laugh together.


Dear Wawa,

You're the answer to my prayers. You were the miracle baby that I prayed for. I've long for another baby, a sibling to your bother. God gave me you. The best baby that a brother can ever get. Wawa, God loaned you to me. Yes, it's a loan, because someday, when you grow up, my prayer is that you will be like Jonah and bring the good news of a risen savior to others. It's the same prayer that I have for your brother. I pray for both of you to be doctors so that you can go out to places to heal and help the sick and spread the good news at the same time. But if God wants you to do something else, in obedience, I will try my best to groom you in that area. I love you even before you came to my arms.

Love you for always.
Ma Ma

Still

For the past year, I've been feeling that my life is on a roller coaster ride with the lows more than the highs. And the feeling of wanting to walk away and giving up has never felt stronger and me feeling a lot more drained than before.

In my head, I know that it will all come to pass and things will be fine again. But in my heart, I question God, why? Why are things not as smooth sailing when I think I've obeyed and do what you want? Why are things still so tough? Can't you make things easier and why don't you just make everything nice and rosy again. Yes, those have been my thoughts for this past year. And each time, I feel low, God sends someone, something or some situation to let me know that I'm not alone in the walk. And I hear God telling me, 'Even though you're walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I'm walking right beside you.'

Last Sunday, towards the end of the service, this song was sung.

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

Immediately, I felt a sense of relief. I know in the midst of life's storms, I have a faithful God who is right beside me throughout. Yes, a tough year. Decisions made, prayers prayed and answered and some prayers, still waiting for answers and some was answered with a no. But at the end of it all, I know that my heavenly father knows what best for me and I just need to trust in Him. And no, the difficult journey is not quite over. We are still praying for a couple of things but God has answered some major prayers of ours in which we shall share in the near future. But as of now, I'm learning to be still and listen to God and not let the worries of the world overwhelm me but rather to cast my burdens on Him.

Leave of Absence?

Oh wow! I've just noticed that I've not blogged close to five months. This must be my longest silence on my blog. There were and are reasons why I've chose not to blog as much. But guess in time to come, I'll write about it.

So summer holidays came and left. It's been good. I try not to complain. Spent a week in New York with bestie and then rest of summer in Hong Kong. It was a good time with the family. Mum and Jojo came to visit. Stayed with us for ten days. After that, Jacqui and Joel came to stay with us for four days. Yes, there were times that the tiny apartment seemed crowded but I was really glad and happy to be surrounded by family. When we couldn't go to Singapore, Singapore came to us.

One Sunday night, we invited a friend over for dinner. He turned called and asked us if he could bring a friend over. He brought over a asylum refugee seeker who has been in Hong Kong for more than nine years. At that time, I've been feeling the weight on my shoulders asking God why some things are not turning out the way that I wanted. And during that dinner, it dawned on me, all my problems and issues pale, really pale in comparison to this guy sitting at my dining table. And that's when it also hit me, be thankful. I'm beyond blessed and yet I'm not thankful.

Yes, I had and still have to learn gratitude and thankfulness. Enjoy a couple of pics. Can't wait to see family again.

Nothing else matters to me other than family and friends that have become family. Can't wait to see family in Spore and Australia and bestie in America again.

For the longest time

Yes, this is the longest time that I've not blogged. Some days, I wonder if it's time for this blog to shut. And then there are days that I think, no, I still like blogging and there are days I don't even know what I want anymore. Anyway, tonight is the night that I decided to blog and yes, I'm going to blog and honestly, I don't know how frequent would I be blogging but I'll blog as long as I feel like blogging.

So life has hasn't been bad to me. God has been faithful in answering my prayers. Over the past few months, I felt that God has been stretching my faith. There were days I wonder how much more stretching God is going to be doing and then I realized that He's stretching me so that I can grow and see Him work in me. And now, yes, God has been very gracious. Far too gracious. I can say too much. Give me a few months and then I'll be able to reveal more. But in the meantime, all I can say is, God is always faithful.

Recently I've been thinking how God has placed us in HK and the people that we meet. It's hard being in HK without family support. That was my fear but over time God has so graciously allowed people in HK to become the family support that we need. It's these family support in HK that have been my crutch for the past few months when I felt that life was going a little tough. And it's ironic when I've found my family in HK that I've been thinking if it's time to head back to Spore.

My sister's family is growing and I want Baba to be close to his cousins like how I was close to my cousins. I want Baba to have that same relationship that I had with my cousins. It breaks my heart to see Baba and Jojo say bye to each other. And it makes it even worse when Jojo asked my mum why can't everyone live in the same country. Jacqui just moved to Melbourne too. Oh well, that's something to start thinking about.

In the meantime, enjoy the pics of Baba.

Decision

So sometimes I wonder a decision that was made probably a decade ago was the right decision or was it a wrong one. Then I wonder, so if it's a wrong one, what do I do now, do I walk away or do I suck it up and try to make it work? And then sometimes I wonder if its worth trying to make it work, and in all these crazy wondering and pondering I wish that I can just stay in bed for days and not get up at all and not even wash or even brush my teeth. Then I realize, crap! Isn't that depression? People who stay in bed for days and weeks and months and then what, years, aren't they people with depression? And I think to myself, man, wish I could do that. And then I realized, what? Am I actually envious of people that are in depression? Man, am I sick or what?

Then a light goes off in my head, so if I didn't have any responsibilities or any dependents or whatsoever, I would be able to be in depression and stay in bed all day and all night. So people that have responsibilities and dependents and whatnot who do that, aren't they freaking selfish then? Or are they that weak to ignore people that actually need them? And then I look at myself, what on hell do I really want?

One word, happiness. And it's getting more and more difficult these days. Or am I getting older that I find happiness more and more elusive?

It's Been a Long Time

So it's been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. Well, update from the last post, decision has been made and I'm glad that it's the decision that I prayed for. And now, we have to wait. Yes, got to love the waiting game.

Had a wonderful December. Jacqui's wedding was a blast. But at the same time, kinda bittersweet. Am glad that she married someone that she's known for a really long time. They probably met when they were babies, were best friends and maybe a year or so ago decided to start dating and then, the wedding. A beautiful wedding, great company and a blessed time with the family. But what's hard is that Jacqui moved to Melbourne. To a large extent, it's kinda hard for everyone in the family especially Jojo. When Jojo was born, Jacqui has always been there and then now, she's suddenly gone. Jojo finds it hard. The reality is that everyone notices her absence. I miss the coffee that she makes for me. And her being there for the family. Kinda bum that I might actually miss seeing her this year. Oh well, guess this is what happens when we grow up.

Christmas was time spent with the family. I admit that each time I head back to Spore, I find that I spend less time with friends but more time with family. To be honest, it's a deliberate act to spend more time with people that I really care and love. My time in Spore is so precious and it's inevitable that I have to prioritize my time. But I'm really glad that I managed to catch up with my ex-colleagues and got to spend loads of time with Jojo and Jo Meimei. The other thing that was nice was to have Baba and Jojo to hang out with a kid whose father, we used to hang out with. I remember sitting in Sentosa watching the kids play and memories of us as kids playing ran through my head.

Childhood, a fun-filled and wonderful childhood, that's what I want Baba to have. I want him to remember fun with his family, cousins and friends. I want him to get to know his family and hence the reason why we always choose to fly home instead of flying somewhere else. Anyway, enjoy the photos.

 Love that Jojo and Baba are very close. When we were at the airport, Jojo was so reluctant for us to head home. When we got home, Baba told me that he really misses Jojo. It's really cute when I see them talk to each other via FaceTime.

 We walked past a shop selling really cheap fake glasses and I decided to get a pair to match Jojo. It's kinda scary that Jojo and I look so alike.

Look the both of them. Yes, they love each other. I'm glad for this closeness. May they never drift from each other and be as close as siblings.

The kids had so much fun at the wedding. And it reminded me of the fun that I used to have with my cousins at relatives' weddings.

The ladies of the family. So thankful for God's bountiful blessings upon the family. We can never be thankful enough.