I'd Rather Be

I'd rather be in the sunny island of Redang
Than to be in the cold and cloudy island of Ma Wan.
I'd rather be lying on the beach
Than to be sitting at my desk.
I'd rather be swimming with the fish and corals
Than to be marking and preparing work.
I'd rather be at a nice beach resort drinking coconut juice
Than to be drinking water at work.
I'd rather be on a vacation
Than to be at work!

Yes, I know....not a very good poem. But I'd really rather be at a beach now! Think the cold, damp, cloudy and sad weather may be affecting me finally! But I'll be there soon...Counting down!

Re-Aligning My Life

I know that this is only February and I need to re-align my life. A tad early, huh? But I rather it early than late. Was at church yesterday and Pastor mentioned that as a Christian, are we living and leading a life that others are able to differentiate us from the rest of the world? That hit me. I haven't. I haven't been the Christian that has been shinning and showing Christ's love. I've been to preoccupied with myself to lead a life that's glorifying to Him. I've dissed friends for things that I'd rather do. I've not been doing my quiet time on a regular basis and basically, I've been just sliding. Maybe that's why I've been feeling lethargic and just not as what I should have been feeling.

So, I've got to re-align my life and focus to lead a life that's glorifying to God and not glorifying to me. Time to refocus and reflect.

Sometimes I need a break. I really need a break. I just want to lie on the beach, enjoy the sun, sand, grab my snorkel and fins and swim amongst the fish. Away from everything. I just want time to myself to focus and understand me again. I know, I've been having loads of vacations back to Singapore but you know, it's hard. It's hard because whenever we head back to Singapore, there's always family obligations. There's dinners, lunches and then there's calls. Don't misunderstand, I love seeing my family and friends but I need the time out. I just need a couple of days of time out and just be with Babe and me to chill out. No distractions.....Yes....in a month...we'll get 3 days of bliss at Lombok. Hopefully, it'll be bliss and that's when I can focus and re-align.....

Apologies

I'm sorry if my last post has hurt some friends. I admit that I have been insensitive while writing my thoughts. Apologies.

Misunderstood

So after writing my thoughts on my blog on Wednesday, I had a couple of friends that kinda misunderstood my thoughts. Well, this is pretty usual as my thoughts are sometimes incoherent and well, maybe when I wrote my thoughts, things might have been written wrongly. I had a friend that emailed me to ask if things were fine. A friend asked if I was mad with her and another friend, well, someone that I hadn't seen like maybe 5 years or so, popped me a message through Facebook and we had a good discussion about a Christian's point of view of marriage. He brought me back to the bible and I had to stop, ponder and reflect what are my beliefs and principles in marriage. Days spent of Youth Fellowship and Sunday School started coming back. The theories that I've learnt came rushing through my tiny brain. Ai ya....too much at a go. But I thought, maybe this is might be God talking to me and making me re-evaluate my thoughts. Like once, attending classes for counseling, I asked my lecturer who's a Christian,'What happens when you biblical beliefs and your knowledge of the world and profession knowledge collide? What do you do?' Her reply,' I don't know. I pray.'

For the record, Babe and me are doing fine. Well, mostly fine, no screaming matches these couple of weeks, he's too busy with work and traveling and I'm busy with my stuff. No time to bother to scream but then again, there's also nothing to scream and shout about. Oh, maybe, this, he likes to turn on the heater and electric blanket at home....that's about it all.

So, this is going to be a long post. Be forewarned. As a kid growing up, there were many times that I wished I had parents like other parents in church. Their marriages looked so perfect, so secure, so everything. Not trying to air my dirty linen in the public. There were families that were my role models of what I envision my future family to be. But it's silly now when I look back as some of these perfect families were and are not as perfect as what I thought of them to be. But I'm thankful and grateful that there are a few couples to this day in church that I really want my family to be. Pastor once said to me, 'A wonderful marriage is like heaven on Earth. But a bad marriage is like hell on Earth.' From a tender age, I understood the hell on Earth concept looking from my parents. But it's the heaven on Earth that I craved and lusted for. I told myself that I'm not going to get married unless I know and understand that the one I'm marrying will be able to provide the heaven on Earth for me. But then again, early in our marriage, I had the misconception of heaven on Earth.

When we got married, it was sad that I equated love with money. Well, in other words, love was the gifts that Babe bought for me. He did not get me a birthday during our first year of marriage because I told him I didn't want anything and true enough, I got nothing. That was when I thought, shit, he does not love me therefore I'm not getting a present. But reality is not that. I've said hurtful things to him right in the beginning of our marriage. I said stuff like if you made more money then we could have blah, blah, blah. I knew it was hateful and hurtful but I still did it. After saying it, of course, it was regretful. I remembered before the days of emails, Babe and me would write letters to each other when we were at uni. In one of the letters, he wrote that he wished he was born into a rich family so that he could support me and I didn't have to work and study at uni. It's things like these, that I forget how much he loves me. But that's over. I'm learning that love is beyond material things. When he thought that he was going to take a year off to do his MBA, he told me that he's sad that he's not going to be able to buy me things. And I thought, what have I done? Have I made my husband to feel that in order for him to show me love, he has to buy me stuff? Boy, I've turned myself into a materialistic bitch! But I've learnt and am still learning that love is more than that.

So what is love?

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

The most common wedding that's been said over and over at weddings. What does it really mean? And why at times, people live when it's poorer and in sickness? Can that be excusable? What's the biblical stand point?

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5 (NIV)

Well, some really conservative Christians love to use verse 22 to put women down. So you hear the churches yelling out, wives submit yourselves to your husband. Yup, let him rape the wife, take money off her, drive her to work and husband stay at home and do nothing and when she gets back, make her cook meals and the list can go on, because of the freaking submit! But that's all taken out of context. Because if looking at verse 25 to 29. No man hates his body, therefore no man hates his wife. If a man takes pride in himself and have respect for himself, therefore he would do the same for the wife. He would never let himself be hit no matter how much provocation, therefore why should he hit his wife? He would never put himself to push himself so hard that he becomes unhappy? Then why should he do it to his wife?

Turning to look at 1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres. To me, true love is always thinking about the other party with the condition that it's a two way street. Meaning, the husband must think for the way as the wife thinks for the husband. Husband and wife always look out for each other.

So now, the all important question that some of my friends might be wondering, since, I believe in all these, why do I still believe that some couples should split? Why should some divorces happen? Well, very simple, because it is not true love. It's as simple as that. A good friend of mine, had her husband cheating on her before and during the marriage. And when she walked away, he wanted her back but he is still in touch with his girlfriend. Should she then put up with it? Forgive and still let him going on cheating? And let her lose her sanity and dignity? Let her think that she's not pretty enough so her husband has to go elsewhere for sex? On contrary, she is very beautiful. My firm answer is no, walk away because it's not love, he does not love her enough at all. So why should she go through it? But some may disagree with me. She should stay, someday, he will change. She needs patience. To me, that's bullshit!

So at the end of my long post, gee, it's almost like a sermon.....What is my belief? I believe in the sanctity of marriage and no, divorce is not the answer to everything. But if both party truly believes in working things out for good and not for short term or pretense, yes, stay together and work it out. But if one is trying and the other has pretense or ulterior motives or just plainly making use of the wife, then, honey, it is not love. You're just a vehicle or a money or punching bag for the man. Is it all worth it?

Selfish, Self-Centred or Sanity

Recently, things have been happening to some close friends of mine that set me thinking about my life and my principles in life. A close friend of mine has been working for an organization for a long time and over the last few months, she has been feeling really down. Really depressed at times and it's affecting her sanity. She told me that the final straw hit her when she started crying and muttering to herself asking herself over and over again, 'Why?'. That's when she realize that in order to save her sanity, she has to resign and be selfish and leave the organization. I have another friend who is working in the same organization and despite the fact that she realizes that she's stressed and getting depressed and seeing a shrink, she is still working for the organization and getting nice bonus but at the same time losing her sanity. I wonder if it's worth it. Yes, she's selfless to the organization but she's losing her marbles slowly. Well, this was the same organization that I walked away realizing that my marbles were getting lost one by one slowly. I gathered whatever that was left of my marbles and walked away from the organization.

Some of you may or might know that I had and still have bouts of darkness in my life. There were or are still times in my life that I could hardly see the light at the end of the tunnel. There were days that I just didn't want to talk to people and just let me wallow in my filth and shit. Maybe that's why I love reading dark books. But I'm learning to spot the darkness, the grey before it comes dark and walk away. I'm learning that there's no point to walk through the darkness and achieve nothing but more sadness and misery. Not worth it. And it's because of the realization that I've developed to be selfish and self-centered. I've learnt to cut things, people, whatever and whoever out of my life who is bring me to the dark place. I've been selfish to my family, friends and organizations that I worked for because I don't want to get to the dark place. But excuse me, people, my sanity is more important to me than anything else. All you people can go screw yourselves because I love my sanity. If you've been on the walk that I've been and am still on, you'll understand why I love my sanity. Don't freaking judge me like some people because you don't know me enough.

A close friend of mine, walked away from her marriage knowing that her husband was making her lose her sanity. But she walked away with lots of dignity and I really applaud her. Another close friend, is going through a lot at this moment, or so I perceive as a lot. I might have made some bad judgments on her man. But in my opinion, walk away before all marbles are gone. Be selfish and think about your sanity and yourself. If you don't think of yourself, who the hell will think for you? But then again, who the hell am I to make judgments that her man is making her lose her sanity or her man is not good enough for her?

But having said all these, the bible says,

But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Matthew 5:39.

And I wonder, how many times and how long do I turn the other cheek? When is it enough? And how long before I lose all my marbles? Very conflicting for me at times.

My Greatest Enemy

Over time I've begin to realize that my biggest enemy is actually myself. Yup, you read that right. It's myself, me and I. No one else. Well, to be honest, I've realized this a long time ago but I was just in denial. Last night, it hit me again, that I am my greatest enemy.

Sad, huh? One of my biggest flaw which is also one of my greatest strength, is my strong will. Well, to be negative, it's called stubborn. To be positive, it's called strong will. For those who know me very well, I want my way all the time and thus making me very stubborn. When I set my mind to it, it pisses me off that I don't get what I want. It's even more apparent when I am with my family. Take for instance, having dinner. When I know what or where I want to have dinner and I don't get what I want, I get real pissed, like freaking pissed! Don't ask me why, but I get pissed. And when I want to do something or get something and I don't get what I set out to get and someone or something gets in my way, I get pissed! That's why I hate it when my schedule is screwed or when the day that I plan don't pan out the way I want it to be, it pisses me off! And yup, I get mad.

Babe bears the brunt of this stubbornness in me. Trust me, it is bad. My parents used to be the brunt of my shitty behavior. I remember for some reason, I was pissed with my mum, I didn't bother to talk to her for like six months. We lived in the same house and I'll just walk in and not talk to her and at that time, I was only 16. I'm pathetic, mean and evil, I know, don't have to say it. And this weakness has led me to be frustrated with myself when my career did not pan out the way I wanted it to be and there were patches of my life that did not go the way that I plan out to be. And I get frustrated and piss with the world and myself because I want my way!

I've lots of clothes, bags and shoes and everything, because I just want them. I want them so I'll have my own way and get them all. I even just get food because at that point of time, I want to get something and when I get home, it does not look that appetitizing after all. And it's the same with my clothes, shoes and bags. When I get home, some of the things in my shopping bags don't even look appealing to me and at times, I get appalled by them!

But this is sad, and when I look deeper, the reason why I get pissed when things don't go my way is because I have no control and therefore I get mad and angry and pissed and whatever. We bought a car because I got sick of not being in control of being able to get to places that I want to on time with the public transport system in Singapore. Which is actually a laugh because Singapre does have a pretty good transport system. So at the bottom of it all, I am a selfish person that only wants my own way and do stuff my own way and because I just want to be ME!

But out of this stubbornness, good things did come out. When I went to Sydney to do my masters, I left knowing that I may not have enough money and reality was that, I really did not have enough to finish my second semester at school. But I was not going to give up. I did whatever I could and yes, I completed my masters. And it's this strong will that I manage to find a way to provide things for myself and I made sure that I get the best in my life. But now the question, why the hell do I need the best in my life? Clothes for Bossini are clothes right but why do I want Benetton instead? Bags are bags but most of the time, you will not find me with crap bags. Why??? Answer, I'm freaking conceited and a proud bitch!

So after bashing myself, what's the point, right? It's time to really ponder and understand myself and become a better person. Question, is that possible?