Misunderstood

So after writing my thoughts on my blog on Wednesday, I had a couple of friends that kinda misunderstood my thoughts. Well, this is pretty usual as my thoughts are sometimes incoherent and well, maybe when I wrote my thoughts, things might have been written wrongly. I had a friend that emailed me to ask if things were fine. A friend asked if I was mad with her and another friend, well, someone that I hadn't seen like maybe 5 years or so, popped me a message through Facebook and we had a good discussion about a Christian's point of view of marriage. He brought me back to the bible and I had to stop, ponder and reflect what are my beliefs and principles in marriage. Days spent of Youth Fellowship and Sunday School started coming back. The theories that I've learnt came rushing through my tiny brain. Ai ya....too much at a go. But I thought, maybe this is might be God talking to me and making me re-evaluate my thoughts. Like once, attending classes for counseling, I asked my lecturer who's a Christian,'What happens when you biblical beliefs and your knowledge of the world and profession knowledge collide? What do you do?' Her reply,' I don't know. I pray.'

For the record, Babe and me are doing fine. Well, mostly fine, no screaming matches these couple of weeks, he's too busy with work and traveling and I'm busy with my stuff. No time to bother to scream but then again, there's also nothing to scream and shout about. Oh, maybe, this, he likes to turn on the heater and electric blanket at home....that's about it all.

So, this is going to be a long post. Be forewarned. As a kid growing up, there were many times that I wished I had parents like other parents in church. Their marriages looked so perfect, so secure, so everything. Not trying to air my dirty linen in the public. There were families that were my role models of what I envision my future family to be. But it's silly now when I look back as some of these perfect families were and are not as perfect as what I thought of them to be. But I'm thankful and grateful that there are a few couples to this day in church that I really want my family to be. Pastor once said to me, 'A wonderful marriage is like heaven on Earth. But a bad marriage is like hell on Earth.' From a tender age, I understood the hell on Earth concept looking from my parents. But it's the heaven on Earth that I craved and lusted for. I told myself that I'm not going to get married unless I know and understand that the one I'm marrying will be able to provide the heaven on Earth for me. But then again, early in our marriage, I had the misconception of heaven on Earth.

When we got married, it was sad that I equated love with money. Well, in other words, love was the gifts that Babe bought for me. He did not get me a birthday during our first year of marriage because I told him I didn't want anything and true enough, I got nothing. That was when I thought, shit, he does not love me therefore I'm not getting a present. But reality is not that. I've said hurtful things to him right in the beginning of our marriage. I said stuff like if you made more money then we could have blah, blah, blah. I knew it was hateful and hurtful but I still did it. After saying it, of course, it was regretful. I remembered before the days of emails, Babe and me would write letters to each other when we were at uni. In one of the letters, he wrote that he wished he was born into a rich family so that he could support me and I didn't have to work and study at uni. It's things like these, that I forget how much he loves me. But that's over. I'm learning that love is beyond material things. When he thought that he was going to take a year off to do his MBA, he told me that he's sad that he's not going to be able to buy me things. And I thought, what have I done? Have I made my husband to feel that in order for him to show me love, he has to buy me stuff? Boy, I've turned myself into a materialistic bitch! But I've learnt and am still learning that love is more than that.

So what is love?

"To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

The most common wedding that's been said over and over at weddings. What does it really mean? And why at times, people live when it's poorer and in sickness? Can that be excusable? What's the biblical stand point?

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5 (NIV)

Well, some really conservative Christians love to use verse 22 to put women down. So you hear the churches yelling out, wives submit yourselves to your husband. Yup, let him rape the wife, take money off her, drive her to work and husband stay at home and do nothing and when she gets back, make her cook meals and the list can go on, because of the freaking submit! But that's all taken out of context. Because if looking at verse 25 to 29. No man hates his body, therefore no man hates his wife. If a man takes pride in himself and have respect for himself, therefore he would do the same for the wife. He would never let himself be hit no matter how much provocation, therefore why should he hit his wife? He would never put himself to push himself so hard that he becomes unhappy? Then why should he do it to his wife?

Turning to look at 1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres. To me, true love is always thinking about the other party with the condition that it's a two way street. Meaning, the husband must think for the way as the wife thinks for the husband. Husband and wife always look out for each other.

So now, the all important question that some of my friends might be wondering, since, I believe in all these, why do I still believe that some couples should split? Why should some divorces happen? Well, very simple, because it is not true love. It's as simple as that. A good friend of mine, had her husband cheating on her before and during the marriage. And when she walked away, he wanted her back but he is still in touch with his girlfriend. Should she then put up with it? Forgive and still let him going on cheating? And let her lose her sanity and dignity? Let her think that she's not pretty enough so her husband has to go elsewhere for sex? On contrary, she is very beautiful. My firm answer is no, walk away because it's not love, he does not love her enough at all. So why should she go through it? But some may disagree with me. She should stay, someday, he will change. She needs patience. To me, that's bullshit!

So at the end of my long post, gee, it's almost like a sermon.....What is my belief? I believe in the sanctity of marriage and no, divorce is not the answer to everything. But if both party truly believes in working things out for good and not for short term or pretense, yes, stay together and work it out. But if one is trying and the other has pretense or ulterior motives or just plainly making use of the wife, then, honey, it is not love. You're just a vehicle or a money or punching bag for the man. Is it all worth it?