My Greatest Enemy

Over time I've begin to realize that my biggest enemy is actually myself. Yup, you read that right. It's myself, me and I. No one else. Well, to be honest, I've realized this a long time ago but I was just in denial. Last night, it hit me again, that I am my greatest enemy.

Sad, huh? One of my biggest flaw which is also one of my greatest strength, is my strong will. Well, to be negative, it's called stubborn. To be positive, it's called strong will. For those who know me very well, I want my way all the time and thus making me very stubborn. When I set my mind to it, it pisses me off that I don't get what I want. It's even more apparent when I am with my family. Take for instance, having dinner. When I know what or where I want to have dinner and I don't get what I want, I get real pissed, like freaking pissed! Don't ask me why, but I get pissed. And when I want to do something or get something and I don't get what I set out to get and someone or something gets in my way, I get pissed! That's why I hate it when my schedule is screwed or when the day that I plan don't pan out the way I want it to be, it pisses me off! And yup, I get mad.

Babe bears the brunt of this stubbornness in me. Trust me, it is bad. My parents used to be the brunt of my shitty behavior. I remember for some reason, I was pissed with my mum, I didn't bother to talk to her for like six months. We lived in the same house and I'll just walk in and not talk to her and at that time, I was only 16. I'm pathetic, mean and evil, I know, don't have to say it. And this weakness has led me to be frustrated with myself when my career did not pan out the way I wanted it to be and there were patches of my life that did not go the way that I plan out to be. And I get frustrated and piss with the world and myself because I want my way!

I've lots of clothes, bags and shoes and everything, because I just want them. I want them so I'll have my own way and get them all. I even just get food because at that point of time, I want to get something and when I get home, it does not look that appetitizing after all. And it's the same with my clothes, shoes and bags. When I get home, some of the things in my shopping bags don't even look appealing to me and at times, I get appalled by them!

But this is sad, and when I look deeper, the reason why I get pissed when things don't go my way is because I have no control and therefore I get mad and angry and pissed and whatever. We bought a car because I got sick of not being in control of being able to get to places that I want to on time with the public transport system in Singapore. Which is actually a laugh because Singapre does have a pretty good transport system. So at the bottom of it all, I am a selfish person that only wants my own way and do stuff my own way and because I just want to be ME!

But out of this stubbornness, good things did come out. When I went to Sydney to do my masters, I left knowing that I may not have enough money and reality was that, I really did not have enough to finish my second semester at school. But I was not going to give up. I did whatever I could and yes, I completed my masters. And it's this strong will that I manage to find a way to provide things for myself and I made sure that I get the best in my life. But now the question, why the hell do I need the best in my life? Clothes for Bossini are clothes right but why do I want Benetton instead? Bags are bags but most of the time, you will not find me with crap bags. Why??? Answer, I'm freaking conceited and a proud bitch!

So after bashing myself, what's the point, right? It's time to really ponder and understand myself and become a better person. Question, is that possible?