Tiger Mum

So.....I've realised that I've become a tiger mum. Technically, I'm allowed to be a tiger mum since I'm born in the year of the tiger and Cha Cha is a tiger cub because he's born in the year of the tiger too. Anyway, coming back to being tiger mum. I realised that I've become one when I noticed that I've been researching numerous amount of things for little Cha Cha. And the research online never ends.

First thing I did was to look and email party planners and restaurants in Singapore for Cha Cha's 1st birthday party. You might think, what's so tiger mum about that right? Well, I started planning like in Feb when his birthday is in Aug! And then with the emails, it goes back and forth till it's like 20 or 30 emails long. And well, we haven't really decided on the venue or restaurant yet. It's still pending.

Now, the real claws of the tiger mum shows. I've been looking at playgroups and playgroups and emailing a couple of people that I know. So on the 9th, Cha Cha is attending his first playgroup. It's going to be fun. And after the research on playgroups, the research on his kindy started. I would surf and search and then compare and then research more and then talk to Babe who honestly, is not really into it because he knows that this tiger mum is really into her research and he nods in agreement unless it's something ridiculous. Academics aside, I started to look at Soccertots, maybe music lessons, and tennis lessons, oh, what about swimming too?

I know what you're thinking, he can't even walk right? That's right. He's crawling, lifting his big milk gut belly off the ground and trying to stand. And I'm thinking of all these classes? That's right. Oh, maybe he can learn how to play the guitar too and give Noel Gallagher a run for his money! What about ice-skating? It'll be a good sport too.

But at the end of the day, I take a deep breath and I ponder, have I asked God what's His will for little Cha Cha? And where is God in the midst of all these classes and pushing him ahead? Have I forgotten that little Cha Cha is only on loan for us from God. And God is the rightful owner of Cha Cha. Shouldn't we be praying and asking for God's wisdom? I'm thankful for Babe. I'm thankful that he's the calm one and he's not the one that gets into the frenzy of educating Cha Cha. I need perspective. I need to understand that if God calls Cha Cha into the middle of Africa or China or to Siberia, we must let him go because he is a child of God and we're just merely stewards of Cha Cha.

Pet Names

This conversation happened maybe 20 odd years ago with between my little sister, Jacqui and a neighbour who was probably around my dad's age.

Neighbour uncle: Hi Jacqui!

Jacqui: Hi uncle!

Neighbour: So Jacqui, where's your puppy?

Jacqui looking very puzzled and then she said: My papi's at work. Where else would he be?

Neighbour looking at Jacqui thinking that she's gone out for her mind: Oh ok, bye!

Whenever I think of this conversation, I laugh. I laugh because we have pet names for people and for things and people outside that circle don't know or seem to get it or we forget to tell others what it really mean. To us when we were younger, we used to call our dad papi so Jacqui being the 4 or 5 year old then thought it strange that the neighbour uncle would ask where dad is.

Anyway, coming back to pet names. I call Babe as in Ba like Ba Ba Black Sheep and then Be as it to be or not to be. And sometimes he's called Darlie, honey or when I'm trying to get his attention Pee Kiat! Don't ask me where with that. I've no clue. And he simply calls me Min. Over time, Babe has gotten used to me calling people by pet names. Oh by the way, when I had a crush on Babe, his pet name was Greyee because he was grey all the time. It was a pet name between my cousin and me. I remember when we first started going out and while making a sandwich with pork floss, I told him to pass me Uncle Mark hair. He looked at me thinking I was mad and then I had to explain to him what's Uncle Mark hair.

So little Josias is sometimes known as Cha Cha. I don't even know how Cha Cha came about but I started calling him Cha Cha and now Babe calls him that too along with the helper. And little JC, sometimes I call her Little Strawberry because she reminds me of Strawberry Shortcake. And well, actually, I call the kids whatever comes to mind.

In our family, we have sort of pet names. My dad calls me Giant because, I'm the eldest and physically, the biggest of them all. Joanne is called Anna and Jacqui, is called Cheus as in Zaccheus. Well, don't ask the obvious unless you want her to kill you! Even with my cousins, we don't seem to shake off the pet names. Sometimes I forget Tristan is Tristan and want to introduce him as Ah Boy. And Lina is known as Aunty Lina to Josias.

I like pet names because they're like terms of endearment. With my cousins, it brings me back to those days that we used to play at the void deck and playground. Those carefree and fun days that seem so far away now. Looking back now, I did have a very fun childhood with my cousins. Sometimes it makes me wonder if little Cha Cha will have those same memories of hanging out with his cousins.

When The Marriage Ends

For the record, Babe and me are not having issues with our marriage. I might have having issues with my tight jeans and trying to stuff little Cha Cha (yes, that's what I call Josias sometimes) too much food. Other than that, no major issues. So don't you people out there go spread stupid stuff that Babe and I are splitting up or having issues.

Anyway, back to the title of the post. A close friend of mine ended her marriage and I didn't even know it was ending or rather even on the rocks till it ended and she wrote it on her blog. Yes, that goes to show how much of a good friend I make! Being the good friend I strived to be, I wrote her an email and emails went back and forth. She's back on the dating scene and found someone that she kinda like. I like him too. In the midst of the emails back and forth, I asked her if she's still friends with her ex-husband. She said they are still friends and still confide in each other their problems. I was glad to hear that. I liked her ex-husband. When they started dating, she introduced him to me and during their marriage, we went on double dates a couple of times or sometimes he would join us for meals. He's still a nice guy for still caring for her when their marriage failed and they have evolved from being husband and wife to good friends.

And then last weekend, I caught up with another friend from Singapore. She and her husband split up a while ago and they have 2 kids. I knew this couple before they got married, Babe used to play soccer with her ex-husband. We attended their weddings and cuddled their kids when they were babies. Then I left Sydney for my masters and when I came back to Spore, I hardly see the ex-husband around. Was then told by someone else that the marriage ended. He met someone else. I left it as it is. There were rumour mongers but I decided that I'm going to ignore those gossips. And when the wife is ready, she would spill the beans out to me. Then I moved to HK. I remember one of the times that I was back in Spore, we bumped into each other and she shared bits of what she was going through. Yes, I take everything with a grain of salt because I'm only hearing one side. However, I believe that when a man stops loving the wife and he decides to walk away and be with someone else, be responsible and pay for the kids. Leave some dignity both for the man and the woman. Anyway, I digress. This time when we met up, she shared some of her issues that she had with her ex-husband with regards to child support, proceeds of the sale of the apartment, custody of the kids and other issues. He has turned into this bitter and vengeful person that Babe and I never expected him to be.

When I look at her marriage and my close friend's marriage. There's a huge contrast. Why make things so difficult? My close friend's ex-husband is not a Christian whereas my friend's ex-husband is. He's gracious to let her go and let her have her happiness. There was no cheating in their marriage. They outgrew each other. The other marriage, he cheated and was caught and now, turn around and shout unfair? Plus, he had people gossiping and saying, oh well, he cheated because she was such and such. How freaking fair is that? Look! Be a man and say, yes, I cheated and I did find someone else and I'm sorry I've chosen her. Don't be an ass and say stupid stuff and then not give her child support and go against her and turn the kids against her too! That's not a man. It's a COWARD! Sorry, maybe I might be a little harsh but still! Can't believe that he would say that he's poor and he can't pay child support when he's earning at least SIN10K a month! That's like 2 or 3 times the average salary of person in Singapore.

Anyway, not going to rant anymore. I understand sometimes marriages end. But why does it have to be ugly? Well, for one, when pride get bruised, it rears it's ugly head!

Money

Before you judge or have preconceived ideas about me, read first. To me money is important, it's nice to have but it's not the most important stuff on earth. Anyway, there has been a couple email exchanges with a dear, dear friend and also someone close to me via msn that started me thinking of the issue of money.

I've a very close friend whom I grew up with. She's my oldest friend and someone that I can pour out my soul to and she never once judged me or have turned me away. She has also been supportive in everything. She told me that she has been raised to marry a man that can take care of her needs and that she does not have to worry about anything. Well, that's nothing really wrong with that notion.

Then just yesterday, a male friend told me via msn that women should stay at home and let the men be the breadwinner. Apparently he and his wife had a tiff over some issues. Don't know what the issues are. He ranted and raved that he's provided everything for his wife and she's still not happy with him. And he did say a couple of other stuff that I would rather not type.

With these two thoughts, I wonder. Where do Babe and I stand? Before coming to HK to work, Babe provided for everything at home in Singapore. He paid for everything and he even gave me a shopping allowance. Then, one day, he found out how much I've been shopping and yes, the allowance stopped and I had to learn to be responsible for my extravagance. Was he mad, sure, he was. He did help but at the same time, he did remind that I can't buy everything on earth! Moving to HK, we contribute towards the household expenses together. I won't say equally because we don't count. We just pay for things together. It doesn't matter for us.

Money is good to have. It buys food and provides for stuff which is great. But what gets to me is how some people use money as power in a marriage. That would sting real bad. Just because the husband provides for the family, it doesn't mean that the wife can't get mad with the husband at all. One of my cousin's husband gave up his job to care of their child and they have a great relationship because they don't count the pennies. There's no expectations that my cousin-in-law has to buy expensive presents for my cousin. There has to be respect. Mutual respect for each other. Just because one earns lesser than the other, or one doesn't earn at all, it doesn't mean that that person doesn't deserve any respect.

I love Babe because Babe loves me regardless if I work or don't work or buy him something nice or not buy him anything at all. I love him all the same if he buys me a bag from Gucci or buys me a wallet from Ladies' market in Mongkok. At the end of the day, it's the thought that counts.

Our Helper

Been thinking of writing this post for a while. Our helper has been with us for a month today. When we were first told that we were matched with Josias, the first thing that came to our minds was childcare. Who is going to look after him? Not just look after him when we're at work but love him too.

Before we went to the helper agency, we prayed and asked God to bring us the right helper to us. The first visit to the helper agency, we interviewed like maybe five or six and then there was one that we felt was a good fit, but she didn't want to work for us. Sure, we got a little worried. We called a bunch of people and asked them for recommendations and then next weekend rolled around and again we went to the helper agency. Again, we prayed and asked God to send the right person to us. So we interviewed a bunch of people and when we were about to leave without finding the right helper, we thought, just one more. And she turned out to be the one that we wanted to hire.

I'm not going to name her but her name starts with J too. So J started work about a month ago. And the day before she started, that's when Happy got her foot stuck and there was a million and one things that I had to do and leave Josias at home. We observed and noticed that she does have real and genuine love for Josias. She wakes up in the middle of the night and cares for him. She patiently feeds him and whenever he throws up, she cleans him up and the floor. And I'm really thankful for her.

As much as I try not to turn into one of those ladies that bring their helpers everywhere or dump their kids to their helpers, I realise that it's hard not to have J around. The apartment is spotlessly clean now, I get hot lunch at home, the bed is made every day. Yes! I love it! I love cooking and not having to clean up. I love it when I just spend my evenings playing and feeding Josias. And not have to worry about the apartment being messy or anything like that. I'm really thankful to have her and thank God for sending the right helper to us.

Before J came, I was mulling over getting a CCTV at home. But Babe put things into perspective. He simply said, if we can't trust her, why bother to hire her? So there's no CCTV. I believe that she's doing a great job at home. I'm really glad. But at the same time, I know that she's not perfect and that things may go awry. However, at this point of time, we're very thankful.

Home Church

So after church on Sunday, I felt that maybe I did disservice to my home church. The Holy Spirit must have prompted me that maybe I wasn't that fair. When I reflected upon it, yes, it's true. I do have lots of memories of my home church.

I met Babe in our home church when I was 15. If it was not for our home church, we wouldn't have met each other. We are quite different in many ways. I did have many mentors there. One of my mentors, Adrian, went home to the Lord quite a few years ago. He was the brother that I never had. I met my best friend, Stanley in our home church too. We met when we were six years old and till now we're still really close. He kindly agreed to be our referee for Josias and when he was told that Josias arrived, he wanted to be his godpa. Vey touched by it. But Stan no longer attends our home church now.

I had one of my best times in my life in Galilee. I remember once Babe and I were talking about best times in life and I told him being in Youth Fellowship was one of it. It was something that I looked forward to very much. There was love, support, friendship and till now, I look back at those days with memories. Lots and lots of happy memories.

But sometimes I wonder what went wrong with me? Why does it sometimes seems familiarly and yet oddly strange to head back to our home church? And I look and wonder, the physical church is still there. But the people that I used to hang out with are no longer there. And I wonder what is the church really made up of? Is it the building or the people? Or what's the priority of the people that attend church? And that includes me. The truth of the matter, I don't know. And I wonder, maybe the fault lies with me. We have been in and out of Singapore far too much and often for people to really keep track of who and where we are. It was funny once when someone told mum that he didn't know that Babe and I live in HK. He was saying that he sees us quite often in church. Mum was like, errrr, they come home for visits you know?

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, I still love my home church for what it has given me. My faith, trust and love in God. I learnt heaps as a teen there. But over the years, people move on and am I trying to hold on to what I thought was wonderful and refusing to let go? I don't know. While we still live in HK, our home church will still remain as our home church. But at the same time, we have to pray for God's direction in coming years.

The Church We Attend Now

After attending three churches in Hong Kong, we finally settled on the church that we're currently attend. Last Thursday at cell group, we were reading James 2 and I shared why we decided that The Vine is where we know God wants us to be.

¹ My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. ² Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. ³ If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” ⁴ have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 2: 1-4

The passage hit home. When we first attended The Vine, I was kinda surprise that there were people from various nationalities. When I mean various, I really mean various. There were not just Africans but Africans from different parts of Africa that I never even knew existed. There were helpers from Philippines serving in Sunday School and also being greeters. Nepalis serving the Nepalis's community. It was almost like United Nations. And yes, I've even seen HK actresses sitting next to anybody and everybody. It was later that I found out that the church supports a large community of asylum seekers. Recently, someone shared with me that a family of 8 who are asylum seekers came to church seeking for help. Well, they are not even Christians and the church opened their arms wide open. And in turn this family told another Egyptian family who is need to come to church. The Egyptian family's reply was that, 'We're not Christians, will they make us convert?'. And the family's reply was no, just go to the church and the church will help.

That warmed my heart. Jesus came to call the poor and not the rich. When I walked into church, there's this warmth that everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord. Yes, this is an international church where pilots, bankers and high fliers attend too, but do I know who are the rich and the poor? No, I don't. From my point of view, I can't tell. The pastors often preach and encourage us to reach out to the poor in our congregation and in our midst.

One of my favourite songs that's written by the church band is, God of Justice. Sorry, can't find the lyrics. But in the chorus, its goes, 'We must go and feed the hungry, stand beside the broken. Keep us just from singing but move us into action.' I pondered upon those words and then I thought of my home church. Let me apologize to those from my home church in Singapore who may be offended. But this is honestly how I feel and see things. Maybe I've been in my home church for too long. When I was growing up in my home church, I felt that the rich in the church were sort of better cared for. And people were rather judgmental. My parents stopped attending church for a while and I've always felt that there were stares. But these all pale to something close to my heart. When people from my home church found out that we were adopting, there were questions why and why don't we make our own and a barrage of questions that were discouraging us. But when we share with our cell group in Hong Kong, sure there was a why and we told them that God told us to adopt and we must follow Him. And that was it. They prayed with us and encouraged us along the way. There were never discouragements but only encouragements. I remember in the early stage of adoption, I shared with someone from my home church about adopting. She was very encouraging but she said, be careful of the gossips. That hit kinda hard. I love that sister for warning me but didn't Jesus ask us to go and support, give and care for the widows and the orphans?

Anyway, if anyone from my home church is reading this. You are the ones that can make the difference. Are you willing to go and be a friend to the newcomers? Are you willing to take the step and sit next to the foreign worker that comes to service? Or is the friendship or the welcome dependent on how big a car someone drives? Will you go and comfort the broken? Each time I head back to Singapore, I don't really head back to my home church anymore. Maybe I'm feeling that it doesn't really feel like home anymore. It's sad. My heart aches.