Fight or Flight

So, I'm typing from my little iPhone 5 tonight. The title, fight or flight has been in my mind for a while. I've been thinking and mulling over it and over the past few days, I've thought about it even more.

I've always been the 'let's fight it out' person. I've never been the one that says, 'this is too much, I'm taking off' kinda person. At work, no matter how tough things are, I hang on and almost never give up unless I've gotten another offer and then I'll walk away. The reason why I've always done that is because I don't want to be a burden to Babe.

With Babe and Baba, I've always fought up keep them. With Babe, he's always been supportive and he tries his best. I'm not going to lie about it. And I appreciate every effort that he puts in. With Baba, I constantly and consistently try my best to raise him the way that I think might be the best for him. Honestly, I'm not very experienced in parenting and being a great wife as this is my first time being both a wife and a mother.

But over a period of time, I feel that I've been constantly challenged on my abilities. Maybe I'm just being hyper sensitive or whatever but there are times that I feel that my best is not enough. And these are the moments that I think of throwing in the towel and taking flight. The reality is that it's hard to be a working mum and wife. It's not easy and I'm not going to lie about it. And there are days I ask myself if I should quit my job. When I first started at my new school, I met with lots of challenges and obstacles. But the strong willed me refused to give up. But then I bring some of my stresses home. And then I get comments from family that my kid is not behaving, he's wild, he does not have a routine and the list goes on and I wonder, is it time to take flight? Work's not going well, I question if I'm even an average teacher because I seem to fail in teaching the kids and on the home front with Baba, things aren't that great.

So what's next? Quit? But just as I thought that I'm not an effective teacher, not making a difference to the kids, I had little signs, gestures and thoughts from both students and teachers that I'm making a difference to the kids. Reaffirming that yes, I'm meant to be at the school that I'm at now. And at the home front, I'm beginning up understand that I've got to ignore naysayers and do what I think is right. As much as I think it'll be nice to have a pat on my back that I'm an average teacher and an average mother, I know that my confidence should not come from others but it should be from me. I have to learn not to care what others think but rather to just be myself and love me for just being me. Sure, it does hurt when I get the judgmental look or talk, I've to learn to decide what to take in and what to simply ignore.

It's easy to slip into the 'poor me, life's crap' sort of mode and take flight. But you know what, I'm not going to let these thoughts get to me. Whatever that does not kill me, will only make me stronger. And even if those naysayers get to me, I'll be like the phoenix that raises up from the ashes which will take flight. Yes, I'll fight and conquer it all and take flight and soar like a phoenix.

Babe's Home!

Babe was away in Chicago for a work trip. He came back a day late due to the snowstorm in Chicago. His flight was delayed. I wasn't too happy about it but because of the flight delay, Babe was able to shop and bring gifts for us.

Babe goes away quite often for work now. He's almost on the plane once a week. Little Baba is getting used to it. Don't think he likes it though. He does ask for his Da Da a lot whenever Babe is away. Sometimes it's hard when Babe goes away over the weekend. Sure, I get tempted to ask our helper not to take her day off on Sunday to help me out. But I resisted. But instead, I told myself that I'll make the best out of it and hang out with little Baba.

So last Saturday, I managed to squeeze in banking, foot massage, pedicure, lunch with a girlfriend before bringing little Baba to the tiny sad zoo in Central with the same girlfriend that I had lunch with. On Sunday, brought little Baba to church and then had brunch with a bunch of friends and at dinner, brought little Baba to our fav italian restaurant and I managed to have my dinner while the wait staff entertained him. At the end of the weekend, I truly appreciated the time that I had with little Baba.

So, yesterday when Babe whatsapped me that he has landed, my stomach did little butterflies and my heart raced a little and I was kicking myself for not having enough money in my wallet to catch a cab home. Got on the train and was kinda impatient while waiting for the bus too. All these while, I was thinking, hey, this is not the first time that Babe is away and we're not like newly married or in the honeymoon stage. We've been married for ten years and remembering that we dated for ten years before getting married too. So why was I so excited that Babe was coming home?

Well, I don't know the answer. But I'm glad that I had all those feelings. I'm glad that after all these years, I still have little butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I don't want to let these butterflies go. I love them. I told a friend that whenever Babe is on his working trip, I try not to call him unless something urgent has come up. I try to deal with everything myself. And maybe that's why I miss him even more.

So glad that Babe is home, it was cute when little Baba saw a plane in the sky and he said, 'Airplane, go bring Da Da home, ok?' Made me want to cry and hug him even tighter. I pray and hope that the butterflies in my stomach never leave, and my heart will never stop racing when I know that Babe is coming home from a work trip. I was reminded by a friend that I've a wonderful husband. And I am ever so thankful always for Babe. Totally and beyond blessed!

Updates

So, the light has grown brighter and I'm really glad for it. Guess somethings just can't be explained but I'm glad that the light has grown brighter and I'm aware that it can grow dim anytime. However, it doesn't really matter because, I've got Babe with me. He holds my hands and shines the light for me whenever it grows dim. I can never be thankful enough for him.

We had a great time going back to Spore for Chinese New Year. It was great hanging out with family and friends. Well, actually we only managed to catch up with very few friends. Caught up with Baba's godparents. It's always good to see them. So glad for them starting a new chapter. But am going to miss them nevertheless. Was kinda reminded that Chinese New Year may not really be the same soon. Jacqui wasn't around as she was in Melbourne and like my mum, am feeling her absence and am realizing that it'll be less than a year before she'll be off to Melbourne.

It's also this Chinese New Year that I'm really to see some family members in a clearer light. Talk is really cheap when some people say that family is important. Some people don't even care to spend time with their family members and choosing to spend time doing other stuff. It does annoy me to a certain extent that we bother to fly back to spend Chinese New Year with the family and some just choose not to bother to hang out with us. And what makes it worse is that others make statements like, oh, little Baba is not going to know us. And then, there's questions of filial piety. What the use of saying you care and love but pushing responsibilities to one and other. Yes, maybe I shouldn't be washing dirty linen in the public. But I'm glad that I'm seeing things clearer and have decided that my time should be placed on people that are willing to reciprocate kinship.

So negative things aside, we had a great time at Phuket. Or maybe I should say that I had a great time at Phuket. It was probably a little more stressful for Babe. I'm glad that we got to spend time together, just the three of us. Sure, it was not as relaxing as when we travel just the two of us. There's diapers to be changed, kid to be fed, have to watch him in the pool, ointment to be put on mozzie bites and the list goes on. But all in all, it was great to spend time together as a family. It's nice to see Babe being a hands on dad. And it was really sweet of Babe to watch little Baba when I went for a massage.

I guess life sometimes is not what it turns out to be. I'm glad to have Babe and Baba in my life. Sure, people can disappoint and things can go awry. But I'm glad that God has placed enough people that love, care and support me. That's good enough for me. Am humbled. Anyway, enjoy the pics.

Being a beach bum! Babe had fun playing at the beach.

Baba was so intrigued by the tuk tuk. He wanted to ride in the tuk tuk but guess we felt that it might be too dangerous for him. When we went to the airport, he saw a toy tuk tuk and he went, "Da Da, tuk tuk!"

When we arrived at the resort, we rode the buggy to our villa. So whenever Baba saw the buggy when we were in the resort, he shouted, "Buggy! Baba wants to ride buggy!" Well, we did ride the buggy a few more times before we left the resort.

You're seeing things. Yes, Baba has a pink elephant. We were in the gift shop in the resort when he saw the pink elephant and he wanted it. Tried to ask him if he wants a blue one but he said no.......

Jojo and Baba hanging out together for the last day. When we were at the airport, Jojo tried asking Babe to buy her an air ticket to Hong Kong. And when we got home and Facetimed home, she asked us why didn't we bring her along to Hong Kong. Its really heartwarming to see that Jojo really loves hanging out with Baba. I guess part of the reason why I felt a little blue over CNY was that I saw the few people that I can really entrust little Baba to in the event if something happens to Babe and me. But like a brother in Christ reminded me, God has everything panned out. Things are quite often out of our hands but God has everything in His hands.