Fight or Flight

So, I'm typing from my little iPhone 5 tonight. The title, fight or flight has been in my mind for a while. I've been thinking and mulling over it and over the past few days, I've thought about it even more.

I've always been the 'let's fight it out' person. I've never been the one that says, 'this is too much, I'm taking off' kinda person. At work, no matter how tough things are, I hang on and almost never give up unless I've gotten another offer and then I'll walk away. The reason why I've always done that is because I don't want to be a burden to Babe.

With Babe and Baba, I've always fought up keep them. With Babe, he's always been supportive and he tries his best. I'm not going to lie about it. And I appreciate every effort that he puts in. With Baba, I constantly and consistently try my best to raise him the way that I think might be the best for him. Honestly, I'm not very experienced in parenting and being a great wife as this is my first time being both a wife and a mother.

But over a period of time, I feel that I've been constantly challenged on my abilities. Maybe I'm just being hyper sensitive or whatever but there are times that I feel that my best is not enough. And these are the moments that I think of throwing in the towel and taking flight. The reality is that it's hard to be a working mum and wife. It's not easy and I'm not going to lie about it. And there are days I ask myself if I should quit my job. When I first started at my new school, I met with lots of challenges and obstacles. But the strong willed me refused to give up. But then I bring some of my stresses home. And then I get comments from family that my kid is not behaving, he's wild, he does not have a routine and the list goes on and I wonder, is it time to take flight? Work's not going well, I question if I'm even an average teacher because I seem to fail in teaching the kids and on the home front with Baba, things aren't that great.

So what's next? Quit? But just as I thought that I'm not an effective teacher, not making a difference to the kids, I had little signs, gestures and thoughts from both students and teachers that I'm making a difference to the kids. Reaffirming that yes, I'm meant to be at the school that I'm at now. And at the home front, I'm beginning up understand that I've got to ignore naysayers and do what I think is right. As much as I think it'll be nice to have a pat on my back that I'm an average teacher and an average mother, I know that my confidence should not come from others but it should be from me. I have to learn not to care what others think but rather to just be myself and love me for just being me. Sure, it does hurt when I get the judgmental look or talk, I've to learn to decide what to take in and what to simply ignore.

It's easy to slip into the 'poor me, life's crap' sort of mode and take flight. But you know what, I'm not going to let these thoughts get to me. Whatever that does not kill me, will only make me stronger. And even if those naysayers get to me, I'll be like the phoenix that raises up from the ashes which will take flight. Yes, I'll fight and conquer it all and take flight and soar like a phoenix.