Rabbit Hole

For the longest time I struggle with depression. I've never been clinically diagnosed. My mum was clinically depressed for a long time. She probably had depression in most of my childhood and teenhood. It was something that I grew up with. I guess in some ways, it affected me.

Growing up, I've always told myself that I will fight this depression and not let it get to me. To a certain extent, I think depression is a selfish disease. Depression ignores the rest of the world but just focuses on that one patient leaving the people around the patient to suffer. I've always had my dad to look up to and in all the craziness that he's been through, he pulled through life.

I think the moment dad passed on, I felt the rug being pulled out from under me. It's like the one person who sheltered me through really hard times is now gone. Over the years, I've always been able to tell myself that, what does not kill me, makes me stronger. Quote by Friedrich Nietzsche. But over these few days, it has been hard. When I first got back from Singapore, I just wanted to curl in bed and stay there but I dragged myself out of bed and went to work. Got home, I went for a walk. Am thankful for friends who brought me out for meals but the reality, there are days that I feel myself sinking into that rabbit it.

Somedays, it is like me fighting with depression in that rabbit hole, refusing to be dragged down deeper and deeper. Telling myself that I need to stay afloat for the sake of my kids. I need to be there for my kids. Be present in both body and mind. But the fight is getting harder and harder. But I need to win this battle. I need to win for dad's sake, my boys' sake and for my sake. I've told Baba once, depression is a selfish disease because sometimes depression leads to suicide and leave behind people who love you in pain and figuring out, what went wrong. And sometimes depression leads to people shutting down, leaving people figuring out to get through you. 

So yes, I'm fighting these demons now and I know that I will come out stronger and all will be well once again. 

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