Christmas

 As a child, I've always loved Christmas. Growing up, my parents used to throw these massive Christmas parties and the extended family and friends would all be invited. Dad would busy himself in the kitchen cooking up a storm and by lunchtime, people would arrive and gather around the table.

I've always loved those parties. It was a time to catch up with my cousins while the uncles and aunties chat. From our old flat at Pandas Gardens, we continued that tradition when we moved to Woodlands. When I went to Australia to study, one of the highlights of heading home for summer was yes, Christmas party. Even when I got married, yes, the Christmas party. Then we moved to Hong Kong in 2006, twenty years ago and things changed a little.


Initially we headed home very often for both Christmas and Chinese New Year but that meant that we had less options to travel. When BaWa were younger we did both festivals at Singapore but over time, we decided to stop going home for Christmas primarily, my parents stopped having those Christmas parties. I guess the preparation work got too much for my parents. So we only went home for Chinese New Year but well, it wasn't quite the same but yes, we decided to bring the boys to Korea so that they can have a couple days of skiing too.


Just before we flew off for our Christmas break, Baba went, if grandpa were still around, he would have cooked up a storm for Christmas, right? And I said quietly, I don't think I would want to go back to Singapore for Christmas anymore unless I do not have a choice like when you are back in Singapore for National Service. 


Right after saying that, I realised that it is hard, twenty days after dad left, was Christmas and it is hard. Today is five weeks and it is still hard. There are days that I wonder why aren't the grandkids given more time with their grandpa? Why can't they know him a little better, spend more time with him? And there are days that I forget that dad has left and I've got questions, mundane, dumb, irrelevant or even silly questions that I realise that dad can no longer answer them. And if anyone wonders, yes, part of my sense of humour comes from dad.


Dad, I miss you. How's heaven? Was there a huge party of Christmas celebrating Jesus's birthday? Did you see grandpa and grandma? Did you guys hang out? Dad, did you see the number of people that turned up at your vigil services and your funeral? Did you realise how many people you have impacted? Uncle William came and yes, there were things that I wanted to ask you but well, I couldn't. Morgan came and his two sons too. Dad, you would have gotten mildly annoyed with us that we didn't order enough food for after the burial service but we didn't know that even the entire bus was full. We really didn't expect it. Dad, there are days that I wish so much that we can have more time with you. And today is one of those days. I love you and miss you.





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