Thanks to Paula for getting me a gift card from Page One that got me two books and magazines on Tuesday. And well, I finished one of the books on Tuesday itself and I'm trying to race through my other book by today. But, I've got other things to do and no time to read at work!
The two books, had left with thoughts that's been bugging me. Thoughts that I've thought that I've worked them out but obviously not. Thoughts that brought me back to what I perceive that I can deal with and the reality that I may not be able to deal with. At a very young age, I was taught to deal with reality rather than escaping from them. And that has always stayed with me. I'm not a pessimist neither am I an optimist. But rather, I'm a realist. Not sure if it makes sense or am I talking in circles.
I read The Last Lecture on Tues and now, I'm hoping to race through P.S I love You. Basically the two books deal with death of a partner, a soul mate, best friend and husband. The Last Lecture, the main character does not die at the end, and I believe, according to Randy Paush's blog, he's still fighting the cancer war now. With P.S. I Love You, the husband of the main character, Gerry, is already gone right from the beginning. Yes, I'm reading sad, morbid, love stories.
While reading, my brain is thinking, reflecting and pondering. I was reminded of the time when Adrian was really sick. He was stricken with brain tumour in Dec 1999, and he fought a good fight and he went on to a better place in Mar 2001. It was hard for me as Adrian was like a big brother for me. He looked after me when we were in Youth Fellowship. I hated the fact that I only visited him probably twice in the hospital. We shared the same birthday. When Adrian was sick, his girlfriend stood by him. They were planning to get married in July 2000. But in the end, things did not turn out the way we want it to be. She stood by him throughout his sickness and even took six months off work just to be with him. I was so touched by their love for each other.
It's hard to read the book in public as there were pages that tears would roll down my cheeks and I had to pretend that I'm fine. I wonder if someday Babe goes to heaven, what will really happen to me? Before reading the books, I've always thought that if that day comes, I know I'll grieve but in six month's time, I'll be fine and I'll move on. But while reading the books and I realised that it may not be as easy as I think. Babe and me have been for about sixteen years and that's close to half of my lifetime. And do I really think that in six months, I'll be able to move on without him after spending sixteen years with him? Who am I kidding?
Yes, I hate to admit this, the books have taught me to never take Babe for granted and to appreciate the little things that he does for me, rather than the things that he did not do for me. I have to focus on the positives rather than focusing on the negatives all the time. I've to realise and learn to let go and love him in totality. This weekend, we went out looking at pink cameras. I've been wanting to get a pink camera for a long time. There's nothing wrong with my former camera. Works perfectly fine but I just wanted a pink one. We went to the store, checked out the camera that I really wanted, and as I was about to pay for my camera, since it's mine and I wanted it badly. But Babe, went ahead of me and went to pay for it without me expecting it at all.
This is Babe. Very typical Babe. He does things that he wants to and not to show off to the world. He has his unassuming ways that he shows his love for me. And I know that I take it for granted and not realise his little ways of showing his love for me. He tries his best to make me happy the way I want it to be. Last Christmas, we went back to Spore. At the airport while checking in, he opened his laptop bag to grab his passport and I had a glimpse my present. He tried to conceal it very hard to give me a surprise. And he knew what I've wanted for Christmas. He made a huge effort to be more observant of what I like. And yes, it was probably one of the best presents from him.
Enough of me rambling of how much I love Babe. But yes, Babe is the love of my life and I dread the day that something happens to him. I remember what Babe said to me once at a funeral,'What's the point of showing love to someone when he or she is dead? Better to love now.' Yes, from Babe, very profound.
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