Listening

I thought for a while trying to figure out the title of this post. And finally, I decided, that 'listening' would be the most apt. I've got to admit, I'm not very good with listening at times. I talk way too much.

A few weeks ago, Babe and I were having a conversation. We were talking about our future and what we like. I told Babe that I would like a biological child. My health insurance was expiring and we had to decide what we wanted. I wasn't going to pay for maternity insurance if we won't going to try for a baby. And for you folks wondering, yes, we've been using protection all these while. Babe told me quite seriously that he's happy with Ba Ba and he's not ready for another child and he doesn't want another child.

The truth is that when he said that, I was sad. Wait, not just sad, I was devastated. I'm like, why? I know it's ironic isn't it. For the longest time, I didn't want a biological child and now when I want the biological child, Babe doesn't want it. I accepted what he said. Sure, I was sad. I wanted to know what it is like to carry a child, to breastfeed, to have a natural birth. Yes, I wanted all of those. I even didn't mind the postnatal depression that scares me. I wanted all of those! But I didn't fight and push through my way. But instead, I accepted what Babe said. I took it. I paused and listened.

Last Sunday when we were at church, I felt God speak to me. Yes, it's always in those moments that God speaks to me. He reminded me the reason and rationale of us adopting Ba Ba. And he told me that, yes, the family will expand but it will be done His way and not my way. Instantly, I felt a lot better. I knew that God has a purpose and as always, His ways are always higher than my ways. He's my father and He'll want the best for me. I just had to trust Him. I listened.

In my mind, I knew what God has in stored for us. And this week, it became more apparent as I listened to the message podcasts from another church. I knew that God was sending me signs and getting us ready. We are not going to put in the papers for adoption again. But instead, we're going to wait this out. My prayer is, if this is God's will, He'll make it come through even though we don't do anything. We were told by my our social worker during our probation with Ba Ba that in the event if Ba Ba's biological mother gives up another child, we'll be the first one to get the phone call even if we didn't put in our papers.

So this is the deal. We are going to obey and wait upon the Lord. But in the mean time, we'll be enjoying Ba Ba. And how do I feel now? Excited, because I know that God has a plan for us and He's going to bless us!