Anyway back to the point. There's another thing about me, I don't like to confront people unless these are friends that matter to me. I always tend to rather walk away. In other words, I walk away from the friendship. I've had ex-colleagues that became friends and when they crossed my path or stabbed me in the back, I ceased talking to them unless it's for professional reasons. Yes, I'm petty. I don't deny it. But I don't see the need of my feelings being hurt further. These were just colleagues who didn't mean anything to me because they're not related to me. They were just people that I worked with. That's the way I saw it. So when I left the school, my relationship of any sort ceased. It didn't matter if they were happy, sad or whatever because I ceased having feelings for them.
With friends, it's almost the same. There are friends that I've had but over time I feel that the friendships are not worth or something happened that I felt hurt, insult, upset or whatever, I just walk away from the friendships and the friendships are reduced to hi and bye when our paths crossed. I don't see the need to confront and say well, you did this and that and so I'm hurt, upset, disappointed or whatever. These are the friends that may not matter to me or maybe they did matter to me but I saw a side of them that I didn't like.
A while ago, I had a friend who admittedly was going through a rough patch. We were kinda close but to me, her rough patch wasn't that a big deal. I honestly tried to be a listening ear but there was a limit that I could deal with. One night after dinner while heading home, she poured out her thoughts to me. But as she was pouring out her thoughts, she got louder and louder and as I tried to calm her down, she turned snappish and suddenly I felt that it was now all my fault that she was getting upset. I let her speak whatever that she wanted to say and then it was bye and have a good night. Yup, after that incident, something changed. But still I invited her out for dinners when I had dinner with mutual friends. But the final straw came when she told a mutual friend that I cut her out when I just sent a message to her and a couple of ladies to invite them out for dinner. So I got the drift. She was deleted from my Facebook. Yes, that friendship died. Why didn't I bother to call and asked why she said what she said to a mutual friend? Because she was not worth it. A friend that decides to bad mouth me is not worth my time. Yes, there are mutual friends that are still friends with her. Good for them. Am I mad with them? No, I'm glad that she still has good friends. And that's all.
Then once upon a time, one of my best friend poked fun at my weight. At that time, I was really struggling with my weight and self esteem and a bunch of stuff. I was really hurt. But this friend mattered a lot to me. I knew if I didn't address this issue soon, the friendship would be affected. And he's someone that I love. So I wrote him an email. In the email I told him how much it hurt and why I was upset. He called immediately after he read the email and he apologized. Initially I was still angry and I didn't want to forgive, like I said, forgiveness is not my forte. But I accepted his apologies and yes, all is well now. It was him taking the effort and eating the humble pie to call that made me love him even more. He became the friend that I don't want to lose. Even though we live in different countries we still keep in contact and we make the effort to keep the friendship going.
Forgiveness is sometimes hard for me. But as a Christian it becomes extremely important. When I look back and wonder if those people that cross my path and I crossed them out of my lives come back with an apology, would I forgive them? It's a hard question because at the heart of Christianity is forgiveness. If Christ can forgive all of our sins, why can't I then forgive my friends? To me it's easier to forgive family because family is family, you just got to forgive them. But with friends, what's the loss to me? Nothing, honestly. But is that what Christianity is all about? Then the question goes one step further, why is it then so difficult to forgive a fellow Christian brother or sister? It's hard isn't it? It's something that I learn every day.
So if one of those people that have being crossed out from my list calls or emails me and apologizes, what will I do? I don't know, honestly. And that's why I'm still working on learning to forgive and let go of my anger and pride. It's an ongoing process that needs lots of prayers.
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