Sinking

Have you ever have days that you just want to sink and wallow deeper in your shit? Do you have days that wish you that the sun better not freaking rise? Do you feel like screaming and shouting, why don't some people see my rationale?

I have one of those days. And it's not exactly nice. Was at the salon today doing my hair, colouring my hair. Being bored, I took my phone and checked my email. And I've got an email from Babe's aunty. She wasn't quite pleased with the decision of us adopting. Let's just say that she's disappointed with us. I really thought that she would be able to understand how we feel and that she would be supportive and was not expecting this reaction. I really don't know what to say to her.

I just want to adopt! Why can't people see that? Mum is coming round to it. My cousins and friends are supportive. Babe and me are happy with the decision. I just want to save a kid or 2. I never want to have my own kids. Never had that inclination. And I don't understand why is that not acceptable. Beth mentioned to me that maybe some ladies are called to adopt and that might be our calling and that's God's will for us. Just like some ladies or men remain celibate and serve God.

This is probably one of the very few times that I feel alone and not knowing what to do. I want to share with babe about how I feel but he's away and he has his issues as well that he has to figure out. So I've got deal with it myself for the moment. I made plans with a couple of friends for dinner and I really wanted to go home and wallow but I drag myself there and actually had a good time with them. Nice distraction.

What's wrong with wanting to adopt? Why do people always assume that I can't have kids? And I've been told by everyone that I can go for fertility treatment. But seriously, that's not what I think it's about. Why does people always say that, oh adopt when you've exhausted all means of having a child. Then how does the adopted kid feel? The child is already not wanted by its biological parents and now, the child is not even really wanted by its adoptive parents.

Like I mentioned before, I've always very stubborn, determined and I do want my own way. This trait in me had both been a strength and weakness for me. Strength, I've done things that I've set out for myself to complete and achieve things that I want. Weakness, I've been like a bull in a china shop. So what do I do now? Listen to what people say and do what is expected? Screw it and not have a kid at all....Be defiant and not even bother with adopting? Or just follow my belief of doing God's will? I need to calm down and try to listen to what I need to do. As much as I strongly believe, a family is between babe and me and people around us have to learn to accept this. Mum is accepting it. I'll have to speak to dad one day and everyone else have to learn to accept me and accept God's will for us. Babe just called and we talked for a bit and we'll see what happens later....