The Pursuit of Happyness and With God, I can do All Things

Over the weekend, I watched the Pursuit of Happyness on HBO. It was a bittersweet show. Wife left husband and son because she could no longer deal with unpaid bills and rent. Husband scored an unpaid intern program at a brokerage firm. Because of increasing debts and other stuff, father and son find themselves homeless and spent evenings rushing to the homeless shelter to secure a room for a night. There were times that they had to spend nights in a bathroom of the subway station or just ride the subway all night. It was hard to watch and see the dad struggle and provide for the family and the frustrations and hardships that he had to go through. But in the end, he was hired by the company and he became a very successful person. There were thoughts that ran through my head. Why and how can the wife walk out on her husband if she claims that she loves him? What about for richer or for poorer? What happened to that concept?

Having written that, I must confessed that I have given advice to a friend to leave her husband. She went through quite a bit with him or actually, I'm not sure if she did really go through a lot with him. I must say, that I've only listened to one side of the story and looking back now, I'm not truly sure of the severity of the situation or who really was the victim of their issues. Anyway, my point is, I've realised that whatever the situation any couple is in, as an outsider, I'm in no position to judge and if someone wants to leave their marriage, it's up to that person.

The irony of the show, husband did really well. He went on to start his own brokerage firm and subsequently sold it for huge amounts of money. Wife left him because he was penniless and well, I really wonder if she's kicking herself now that her husband has made it big!

Before the show, I read 'With God, I can do All Things.' I seriously don't know who the author is but I had a really good time reading the book and understanding God's plan for me and really learning that it's time for me to put my faith and trust in God. I'm beginning to really understand that God in our lives has purposes that we do not know. And every step that we take, God has a reason that we may not be able to see and understand but in time to come, He will make it clear to us.

Now that my life is a lot less complicated, and I do have a little more time t0 myself despite the fact that twice a week I've to attend classes, I decided that it's time for me to attend bible study. So, yesterday, I gathered myself with my huge bible to Lan Kwai Fong for bible study. I had a good time learning more about God and got to meet more ladies from church and was able to listen to another person's personal struggle with life. Made me really thankful for my life and His blessings and at the same time, I know that I need to be of good courage to others. It was also a little irony that bible study was conducted at Lan Kwai Fong!.

Ungrateful

Last night after class, I shared a cab with 2 ladies, one from India and the other from Pakistan. Got off the cab and went to the train station with the lady from Pakistan and had a nice chat with her. After I got off the train, I felt really hollow inside. A deep hollow feeling that I've not felt for a long time. The hollow feeling is a disguised feeling of shame and disgust with myself.

During the chat, my friend told me that she left Pakistan 8 years ago to come to Hong Kong. She had an arranged marriage and her husband was from Hong Kong of Pakistan origin. She left her family and everything that was familiar to her to come to Hong Kong, a country that's totally foreign to her and even the language, she couldn't speak a word of Cantonese then. She went on to say that her husband works in a hotel and they live in a government flat and they pay HKD2500 for rent. The amount may be small but as she spoke, I was torn between feeling sorry for her and feeling pissed for her. She told me that she has a masters in English Literature but she has not worked in Hong Kong because no one wants to hire her. She said it as a matter of fact that if she was in Pakistan, she'll be living near her parents and also she'll have a job. We had a good chat and I had to get off the train.

As I left her, it really struck me. I admit wholeheartedly that I love my designer bags and goods and stuff and this lady lives as simple as she can as her husband has to provide for the family of 4. She has an education but she hasn't been able to make use of it to get a job. Never mind that, she has no complains but whatever she said to me was just a matter of fact. She has this attitude that, this is the situation that I'm in but I'll find the rainbow in it and work and do whatever I can to deal with my life. I really admire her. And then I look at myself. I'm just this shallow, hypocritical bitch that thinks of what to buy next month with my salary. The world seems to pass me by and I become this snob in my little world and not realise, yes, there are people that live maybe on a quarter of a salary and they have a family of four and they are happy. But the question for me, will I be happy if I was thrown into her situation? What would I do?

Then something crept into my head. Babe asked me after the storm, where do the birds go during storms? Yes, Babe and me, ask each other silly questions. And I answered him, well, God takes care of them. Just like He never fails to feed them, so He'll never fail to shelter them. Well, for the Pakistani lady, even though she's a Muslim, she told me, things are fine and her religion gives her the faith and trust. And me......Being blessed with so much, where's that gratefulness that I'm meant to have towards God and where's the simple trust and faith in Him?

The Costs of Friendship

Last night I went to pay up for my ticket to States for summer. After paying my ticket, I walked to Tag Huer to pick up my watch. We sent it there to change the battery and for servicing. While waiting for the watch, I walked around to look at the watches on display. I confess that I have a huge penchant for watches from Tag Huer. Don't ask me why, but I just like them. There's a pink watch there that's I've been looking for a long time. And I have a huge, huge penchant for pink as well. As I was looking and it hit me, for the money that I've paid for my ticket to San Diego, I could have bought the watch that I really like.

That got me thinking about the true costs of friendship. Sure, I could have gotten the watch and forgo my trip to San Diego and just spend time in Spore. One might ask and wonder, what's the point of going to San Diego since I've been there last summer already. Might as well get the watch as its tangible. Not forgetting with the trip, I'll be spending more money there as well. But when I think about it, I really beg to differ. Spending time with Eve, is not something that's tangible. And just to be in the same continent is already hard enough. Plus with the time difference, it is really hard to call and chat with her. Plus, I strongly believe that there are times with long distance friendships that we really need to reconnect and spend time with each other. Some people find it hard to understand but reality, it's hard to find a friend like Eve.

Had dinner with some friends and it was how apt that the conversation turned to friendships and I mentioned that it is hard in HK to find friends that I can really pour my heart out to because of the lack of layers that a friendship has. Anyone that has lived overseas away from close friends will understand what I mean. Sometimes, there's a pressure to make fast friends and the analogy that we had last night was making tiramisu with cream cheese instead of mascaprone cheese (can't spell the cake and the cheese). Times are hasten, quicken but with somethings, we still need time to build upon. Well, thankfully, my life has been pretty peaceful and I don't have many struggles and hurdles that I need to call someone to bare my soul to. And in the event that I really need, I'm sure my best friends, no matter how far they are, they will be there for me. Thanks!

Well, I've been pretty free these days as Babe is in Spore for a week and my mind is free to have a jog around my head, I started to ponder again. Oh, actually pondering started because on Monday night, my clothes rack in the spare room gave way. And that pissed me off because I had to find room in my real cupboard to squeeze in my clothes. And I realised how much clutter and crap that I've accumulated. Those who know me would probably know that I love clothes, shoes and bags. And I have a tendency to hoard them and not chuck them out. I always think, someday, I'll be able to fit into this pair of jeans, or this pair of shoes are old but I really love them and it's the same with my bags.

When I sat down and I thought.....Isn't that the same with me and my friendships with some people? Sometimes there are people that I've outgrew their friendship or they outgrew me, some have used me and I've used them and so they are of no real use anymore and some friends were just not friends to have right from the beginning. But I still have their emails. their numbers and there are still on my Facebook. I don't want to delete them out of my contact list on my phone, emails and facebook. But why? Do I have some hope that someday, some friends and me will realise that we have not outgrown each other? Or is it nice to know that I'm x-number of friends on my Facebook? Or maybe someday I may still need their contacts? And then, on the ferry last night, it hit me! I'm am so freaking shallow. If I don't need their friendships, why the hell do I want to let them linger on? What good is there for me? Decluttering operation have to start!

Start of the Typhoon Season

On Thursday, the air was extreme still and stifling. It was energy zapping. I could basically stand in the corridor of the school and feel my energy being zapped away from me. Before heading home, I was kidding with my colleague on how nice it was be if there'll be a typhoon signal 8 tomorrow. And.....in the evening, true enough, typhoon signal 1 was hoisted. And I was thinking.....hmm....maybe the typhoon would get stronger tomorrow. But ha! No chance. The next day, it remained at number 1 till in the evening after I finished class around 10. It became a signal 3. The next day, I woke up with a signal number 3 still on. Had to go to pick up something for Joanne so we went out. And with the wind bellowing, our umbrella broke and rain came down.

Got home safely, after lunch. We thought, maybe later in the evening we can go to the gym or the supermarket. But no chance! The rainstorm became a black rainstorm. From our balcony, I could see the trees swaying from side to side, no one walking their dogs. Basically, it did look a little scary outside. Babe was channel surfing and apparently, in Macau, it was a signal 8. Ferries stopped and people were just stranded at the ferry pier. And this is the first time in years that a typhoon had arrived so early in Hong Kong. And well, this is just the start, apparently, there'll be more typhoons on the way.

We stayed at home the whole day and evening. Was talking to mum on the phone and mentioned to her that if the storm persist tomorrow, we won't be going to church. Slept and the next day, surprisingly, it was all calm. The storm stopped. While walking to the pier, we saw a couple of trees uprooted by the storm. And the thought hit me, if my faith and trust in God is not strong enough, in times of storms, how easily I can be uprooted. It served as a wonderful reminder.

I've been reading 'With God, All Things are Possible'. I bought this book in Page 1 and without even really looking through it, I just bought it. But when I started reading it. I believe that God must have lead me to the book. I've discovered and begin to understand myself and my relationship with the Almighty a lot more. I'm beginning to realise the lessons that I've learnt along the way, God has a purpose for it. Like John Beling mentioned in church yesterday, our journey to heaven is liken to a journey that we take from Hong Kong to a certain destination. Some of us take the most direct route and some of us take many stopovers before reaching and some take a long time to reach. But whatever it is, God has planned a route for us individually and we have to trust Him for that.

It's nice that over the weekend, I'm able to see life lessons. We spent a nice lunch with Kum Hoong and his dad. It's always nice to spend time with family and people that we're familiar with.

The Fight Between Light and Darkness

Some of you may know that there are times that I do crawl into my little dark hole and hibernate for days and then I do with hope emerge brighter and stronger. When I was much younger, those days were more prevalent and the duration of my hibernation were longer too. Ever since I've got Babe and got married, I try to limit my fights with darkness.

But why the fight to begin with? I don't really know. It could be stemmed from my childhood, my teenhood, my inability to cope and understand that I have really dark days. And my reluctance to let go of anger. Then those dark days slowly become fewer as I slowly learnt to let go. Got Babe, was able to share some of those dark times with him but it was hard for him to understand and at times it got him even mad at people who caused or initiated those dark days. I try as hard not to share with him as I obviously didn't want him to breed hate. Plus, it was something that I need to deal with myself.

As I got trained as a counsellor, I was able to understand and fight my battles with darkness a little better and know when the enemy is creeping up to me. But at the same time, I wonder if I might be turning mad. In my little head, the Light have arguments with Darkness and Light wins the battle faster these days.

Recently, I had a battle with Darkness. Well, I kinda expected to be coming. It was during that time that someone said this to me when she was going through marital issues and I was having my little battle with Darkness. "Faith, you do not understand adversity until you've been through it." Boy, was I leaping, hopping, jumping mad when she made that freaking statement. She didn't know me well enough to make a statement like that. The last time someone made a statement like that to me, I told him some of the stuff that I've been through and his immediate response was to apologise. Thanks, buddy. But with this person, she said it without thought and who the hell does she think she is to make such me judgment on me! Well, I kinda ignored what she said and when she called to clear some air with me and to pour more of marital woes on me, I listened, got mad, said some of the stuff that I wanted to say but guess, she was too upset to listen. Then I emailed her and told her of the adversities I've been through as a child and teen. What response did I get? Errr....nothing. But do I now care? No, because it showed me that she's too absorbed in her world to realise that there are people out there that have dark days too. Do I care to call her to expect something from her? No, is the answer. I believe deep down in her, she is a nice person but at this point of time, she's too absorbed in herself to look around her. Well, that's life.

I like and chose to fight my own battle with Light and Darkness. I try as hard as possible not to show Babe when I'm fighting my battle because I don't want him to worry and I know that with each battle I fight, I'll be stronger and soon, my fight with Darkness will be over. But having said that, how will I enjoy my light when I've never been through darkness? For now, I'll enjoy my light till when darkness comes again.

My Blog = My Space

Today I received a comment on my blog which I deleted as it was of no relation to the post. I find it strange, for the person to leave a comment with an expectation of me to reply and yet waiting to remain annoymous. Very weird and strange. Anyway, odd and strange person, if you want to ask me a question, please email me your question and don't use my blog as your playground or your space. I've created a special email for you. faithsblogofthoughts@gmail.com I reserve the right to answer and ignore your questions. Obviously, I do not intend to play along with your game if your intend is to insult me.

Love is a Complicated Concept

I've been thinking about love and the concept of it. It's been triggered by a couple of things around me. And love is such a complicated and complex concept.

A few months ago on telly, a lady with muscular dystrophy gave birth to a daughter that had the same condition as her and she's also in a wheelchair like her. The lady recounted that the daughter told her that she hated her for bringing her into the world. But the mother claimed that she loves her daughter and she wants to have a normal life. In my humble opinion, that's being selfish. She wanted to experience child birth and knowing that her child can have muscular dystrophy, she went ahead to have a child. Irony of it, the lady's own father had the illness too. Is that love? Contrast it with the movie Juno, she searched for a good family that she can give her child to in hope that the child will have a better future. That's what I call love. Giving up for the better of the child. And recently, I was told that a mother has given her 2 year and placed the child with HOLF because she can no longer care enough for the child. Initial reaction was, what kind of a mother would do that? Then I realised that the mother is doing the right thing after all. Apparently the girl hasn't been getting her medications because her mum has not been able to afford it. The girl has thalassemia.

Is love giving up and wanting the best for the person that we love? I wonder. Is love, wanting the best for the person that we love? But what if the best is not what we want? It's like the mum of the 2 year. Sure, she loves the child but is loving depriving her of her basic right to medications? Of course, everyone can tell it right in my face, wait till you become a mother then you'll know what I'm talking about. Yes, I know that. But I choose to believe that even if it hurts me, I would choose to give the best to the person that I love.

Looking at Babe and myself. Honestly, I never really have the desire to experience childbirth to feel like a complete woman. Think shopping makes me feel complete enough! And I don't really have the desire to see and have a genetic product of Babe and me. Plus the fact that I've seen how postpartum depression can hurt a family, it scares me. I've known of friends who throw shit consistently at their husband because they have not gotten out of their postpartum, I've seen it in my own family. Plus the very fact that depression runs deep in my family, I don't want to have even a pinch of it. As Babe and friends can tell, without postpartum, I'm already mad, I don't need to be madder. But there are some that say, why don't I trust God enough that He'll take care of my postpartum if I ever have it. Well, isn't it the same as, I'll cross the road with my eyes close and God will take care of me. I know the risks and the dangers, do I still persist? There's also enough broken kids in my extended family that I don't want to add on to the numbers.

But on the flip side, Babe does say sometimes that he might or may or would like to have a biological child of our own. And it's hard for me. He doesn't say it very often. But I wonder, does he love me enough to understand what I'll go through with pregnancy and the stress of it all. Plus, I love him enough not to want to put him through the shit that my dad went through. There's this contradiction that we have. I love him enough not to want to put him through post partum and taking out on him and yet, do I love him enough to go through childbirth to present him with a gift that hopefully, he'll love forever, regardless, the result of postpartum? Here, I'm struggling with lots. I don't want my unborn kid to go through what I've been through, I don't want Babe to go through what Dad has been through and more than anything else, I love my sanity too much. Then the question goes back to this, am I this fucking selfish bitch that rather have it all than to give Babe what he wants?

Honest answer, I don't know. If Babe tells me that he wants a divorce because he wants a biological child, I'll let him go because I know that his love is not enough for me and I want him to be happy. But do I love him enough to give him a child or do I love him too much that I don't want him to suffer when and if I lose my marbles? Reality, I don't know. All I know is that, I don't have enough time, my clock is working against me. And the desire to adopt is so much stronger than to create.

Where is God when I Don't Need Him

This question rung through my head loud and clear last Sunday and yesterday at church. It finally dawned on me that I've become this person that discards God and pushes Him out of my busy life when He's not needed. I'm become this lame and shallow person without even knowing and trying. Not sure, if I deserve a laugh or a huge smack. The reality, it scares and is scaring the shit out of me!

Isn't it sad that we push our friends away when things are fine and dandy and call them only when we need them? Don't we hate those kind of people. And irony of it all, that's my relationship with God. When I was doing my masters in Sydney, I did my quiet time fervently and almost every night without fail. I was worried about money, grades and everything. I was afraid that if I didn't walk close enough to God, He'll cast me aside and my life would be in a worse state than it was already. My time in Sydney ended and relationship with God somewhat took a backseat.

In HK, it was the same relationship that I had with God. Before Babe came to HK, I did my quiet time regularly and then Babe came....God took backseat. Then Babe had a mini mid life crisis and then God was seek every night. Then crisis was over and then adoption came and God again was on the cards. And now, where's God again? I look at myself and wonder, what's the difference between me and a user? Don't we hate friends that are users and so, what's the difference between me and them then.

Time to get right and be a lot more focus in my relationship with God. It's enough of being a Christian that only looks for God in need. I've to thank Pete for that little remainder even though I don't think he realised that he did that.

One of the Ironies in Life

Isn't it ironic that ever since we moved to Hong Kong that I've got to know Babe's family a little better. On Tuesday, we met up with Xiuli, Babe's cousin. Tonight, we had dinner with her too. Gotten to know her a lot better. I guess, the 2 times that I've met her in Hong Kong, it's probably the most that we're ever spoken.

It's the same with Babe's aunties and his other cousin, May. The time that they spent with us, I really got to know them a lot better. I guess when we were living in Spore, we were so caught up with our lives and the rat race that we never really made the time and effort to get know each other better. But now that we live in Hong Kong and Singaporeans generally like to visit Hong Kong, so we got to see them and got to know them better.

Life is full of ironies......