I've been thinking about love and the concept of it. It's been triggered by a couple of things around me. And love is such a complicated and complex concept.
A few months ago on telly, a lady with muscular dystrophy gave birth to a daughter that had the same condition as her and she's also in a wheelchair like her. The lady recounted that the daughter told her that she hated her for bringing her into the world. But the mother claimed that she loves her daughter and she wants to have a normal life. In my humble opinion, that's being selfish. She wanted to experience child birth and knowing that her child can have muscular dystrophy, she went ahead to have a child. Irony of it, the lady's own father had the illness too. Is that love? Contrast it with the movie Juno, she searched for a good family that she can give her child to in hope that the child will have a better future. That's what I call love. Giving up for the better of the child. And recently, I was told that a mother has given her 2 year and placed the child with HOLF because she can no longer care enough for the child. Initial reaction was, what kind of a mother would do that? Then I realised that the mother is doing the right thing after all. Apparently the girl hasn't been getting her medications because her mum has not been able to afford it. The girl has thalassemia.
Is love giving up and wanting the best for the person that we love? I wonder. Is love, wanting the best for the person that we love? But what if the best is not what we want? It's like the mum of the 2 year. Sure, she loves the child but is loving depriving her of her basic right to medications? Of course, everyone can tell it right in my face, wait till you become a mother then you'll know what I'm talking about. Yes, I know that. But I choose to believe that even if it hurts me, I would choose to give the best to the person that I love.
Looking at Babe and myself. Honestly, I never really have the desire to experience childbirth to feel like a complete woman. Think shopping makes me feel complete enough! And I don't really have the desire to see and have a genetic product of Babe and me. Plus the fact that I've seen how postpartum depression can hurt a family, it scares me. I've known of friends who throw shit consistently at their husband because they have not gotten out of their postpartum, I've seen it in my own family. Plus the very fact that depression runs deep in my family, I don't want to have even a pinch of it. As Babe and friends can tell, without postpartum, I'm already mad, I don't need to be madder. But there are some that say, why don't I trust God enough that He'll take care of my postpartum if I ever have it. Well, isn't it the same as, I'll cross the road with my eyes close and God will take care of me. I know the risks and the dangers, do I still persist? There's also enough broken kids in my extended family that I don't want to add on to the numbers.
But on the flip side, Babe does say sometimes that he might or may or would like to have a biological child of our own. And it's hard for me. He doesn't say it very often. But I wonder, does he love me enough to understand what I'll go through with pregnancy and the stress of it all. Plus, I love him enough not to want to put him through the shit that my dad went through. There's this contradiction that we have. I love him enough not to want to put him through post partum and taking out on him and yet, do I love him enough to go through childbirth to present him with a gift that hopefully, he'll love forever, regardless, the result of postpartum? Here, I'm struggling with lots. I don't want my unborn kid to go through what I've been through, I don't want Babe to go through what Dad has been through and more than anything else, I love my sanity too much. Then the question goes back to this, am I this fucking selfish bitch that rather have it all than to give Babe what he wants?
Honest answer, I don't know. If Babe tells me that he wants a divorce because he wants a biological child, I'll let him go because I know that his love is not enough for me and I want him to be happy. But do I love him enough to give him a child or do I love him too much that I don't want him to suffer when and if I lose my marbles? Reality, I don't know. All I know is that, I don't have enough time, my clock is working against me. And the desire to adopt is so much stronger than to create.
2 comments:
It's me again.
I read your post and am deeply saddened by the poor child's fate. It is a terrible thing to have a disease like thalassemia.
I believe it's true that people have to take up responsibilities and not expect God to take care of everything for them. If such was the human state, then we would not have made it this far in technology and such, which has made our lives seem a lot more better than what it was in history.
Speaking about responsibility, I believe that both love and responsibility go together. You can love someone very dearly, but you must have the responsibility to keep loving and be loved, if you know what I mean.
Sometimes life can seem full of dilemmas, but that's life, and during these kind of times we have to make a decision for ourselves and the people around us. At moments like these that can be hard, your loved ones will know you have put all your thoughts into it before making the decision.
I do hope that you and your husband do not go through a divorce. However, at times like these, you have to believe in yourself, and that God will only give that which is good. Think about it.
It's just my two cents worth. Take care. =)
Wow!!! It's nice to know that my ex student has grown to be such a matured person! Thanks for your thoughts.
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