My Fears

I'm beginning to enjoy going to the gym. Whenever I'm at the gym, I take time to go through my thoughts and the solitude is really great. I was thinking through my fears. What are my biggest fears?

Through the years, I've conquered the fear of cockroaches, ants and basically most household pest. Well, when one lives alone periodically, one has to overcome those fears! I remember when I was living in Sydney, a flying cockroach flew into my studio. I had to think of all means and ways to kill that bugger before I could go to sleep. Looking back, it is funny now. And yes, I'm also not afraid of cats anymore! But I still don't like them.

To be really honest, I don't really have many fears. Only three of them. Losing my mind. the process of growing old and getting as big as a bus. These are my top of the list. They are on equal par. I'm really afraid of losing my mind as in losing my memory. I'm not want that loves the camera. Therefore, I don't take as much pictures as most people. But over time, I'm beginning to take more pictures. Especially people around me and happy moments. I took pictures of grandma because I know that she won't be long for very long and I want to remember how she looks. My brain contains so much memories. Happy memories. Times I spent with people who are no longer around, times I spent with WK when we were courting. Therefore losing my memory and not remembering things, events and experiences scare me. Most of my friends know me as the one with elephant's memory and I want to keep it that way.

My other fear, process of growing old. To make things clear, I'm not afraid of death and dying as I know that it's time to go home. Home to see Grandpa, Adrian, Derrick and people that have gone home before me. I'm actually looking forward to it. What I don't like is the process of me growing old and aging. I hate getting old and wrinkled and then getting sick, and then being dependent on others while I wait for my time. Friends that know me, would probably know that I'm pretty fanatic about my skincare regime. Not that I've got great skin....I've got pores as huge as port holes! But rather, I have a strict skincare regime so that I won't have wrinkles. Wrinkles scare me. When I'm forty, I'm going to see a plastic surgeon to stretch me out! I remember Jackie once looking closely at Joanne and then turn to me and looking. I asked her, what was she looking at? She replied saying, oh, Joanne has laugh lines, and you don't. And I'm like, hell I better not have any lines! And Joanne burst out laughing saying, ya, you think she'll let wrinkles appear on her face? I remember when I was turning 30, I almost freaked out. But then I decided to have a party to celebrate my 30 years of existence with my close and special friends. But after that, birthdays scare me again......

My last fear....getting as big or as large as a bus! I have to admit, I have some weight issues. I'm not anorexic or bulimic, sometimes, I do wish I'm anorexic though. I have a tendency to eat too much and then I'll balloon to be huge. I love my food too much. Each time I see a real huge lady, I get the shivers, what if I end up like her. I hate going to the gym, but what choice do I have? I'll grow really large....I remember telling Mazzy once that if I do get as large as a bus, bring me to the top of the building and tell me that life is not worth anymore as I'm so huge!

And yes, I admit that I'm really shallow. Reading what I just wrote, it does sound like I'm a shallow person. Some might think, why am I not afraid of losing my family, or losing things that are important to me. I have thought about it. If WK were to pass on before me, sure I'll be sad for a while, but I'll be happy for him as he has gone home with the Lord. If I lose all my fortune, which, I don't have much, it wouldn't matter to me as I know that the Almighty will provide me. And what's truly important to me? I really can't think of something that's really important to me. So in other words, there's nothing much that I'm truly afraid of.

Moving on, I'm actually proud of myself today. Went to the gym for about an hour. Came home, cooked my dinner, showered and then had my dinner. After dinner, this is the bit that I'm proud of myself. Well, I changed the sheets. This morning before going to work, I took off the sheets and the duvet cover and sent them to the laundry. Hubby coming, need clean sheets. So clean sheets came back and I placed the sheets on the bed and put on the duvet cover. It is hard work trying to lift up the mattress and also trying to figure out how to put on the stupid duvet cover on the duvey. By the time, I finish doing that, I was already sweating! And yes, I've only one set of sheets and duvet cover. And thanks to ex-colleagues at WDP that I have them! And that's not the end, folded the laundry and then I cleared my messy dining table that became my dumping ground. Finally, I cleaned the floor! So there.....I can't believe that I did all that. I hate doing housework more than anything else in the world...But for my cutie....Yes, it is all worth it! Babe, coming in tomorrow!!!! Will see him in less than 24 hours!!!!

10. 05 pm

Hong Kong